The Lost Letters of Gandalf
by Silwyth
Summary: What happened after Gandalf fell in Moria? You don't want to know... WARNING: Reading this may cause insanity or diarrhea.
1. 1st Letter

**This is my ONLY disclaimer!  
I DON'T OWN ANYTHING THAT ISN'T MINE!  
I don't own any of the characters, but I own the ideas.**

_Historian's Note: These letters are written from Gandalf the Grey to Legolas Greenleaf just after he "fell" in Moria and was separated from the Fellowship. Now Gandalf is going to find information on the Ring and is hoping to meet back up with the rest of the Company..._

The Lost Letters of Gandalf  
(Long time, No elf)

Hey Legolas!

This is Gandalf, in case you've forgotten.

You know, that tall, old guy with the big nose... I wear the stupid hat...

Okay, now that you remember me, boy do I have news. While you've been off polishing your bow, fighting Orcs and kicking butt, _I've_ been busy.

Listen up, I have good news. I have found the...

the... mmm...

the... er...

the... um...

Oh dang, I forgot what I was going to say...

Hey, stop laughing, elf boy! We wizards have knowledge in our brains, and sometimes a bit of it leaks out because we have so much. Unlike you – nothing between your ears...

I have become... (look around so no one's watching!)

(Are they gone?)

(Are you sure?)

(_Is that your finally answer?_)

(Okay, I'll go on...)

I have become Robin Hood! (hehehe let's watch that sad little elf brain try to understand...)

Give up yet?

Well, I have joined the Merry Men as their leader! Actually, when I was riding my horse through the woods I felt off... (Hey! Wizards aren't perfect you know! We can't see _every _branch!)

Anyway, I fell off. And I landed on this dude in green. At first I thought he was another wizard, Something-or-Other the Green. But then I noticed he was wearing tights, and that thought went out the window. No decent wizard would wear green tights in the forest.

He was polite, though, I'll give him that...

So, I landed on him and he said, 'Ouch!' (Well, what did you expect?)

I said, 'Oh! Sorry, I didn't see you there. You kind of blended in. You know... all that green...'

He replied, 'Oh, don't worry about it. Happens all the time!'

I got up, and helped him up. Then I said, 'Hey, are you Robin Hood?'

He looked around, 'If I tell you, I'll have to kill you.'

I looked down on him, he was shorter than I, and said, 'I am a wizard, Mr. Green Tights. I could kill you with a wrinkle of my nose.'

Mr. Green Tights thought about that for a moment, then he said, 'Really? I've never met a wizard. Where's your wand? Where's the broomstick? What are you, some kind of cheap wizard, or something...'

I was so mad, I accidentally wrinkled my nose. Mr. Green Tights went out like a light.

I said, 'Oopsy.'

Suddenly a large man ran out from behind some bushes, he looked at me, then looked at Mr. Green Tights on the ground. Or which was left off him, he had sort of been reduced to a pile of sizzling, green ashes. The large man looked back at me and I almost, _almost_, took a step back. Even with my nasal powers, his size was intimidating. If I hadn't had been a wizard, I may have wet myself.

The large man said in a deep voice, 'You killed Robin Hood!'

I blinked in surprise, 'Oh, so he was Robin Hood then.'

The man said, 'That's right, and now he's dead!'

I said, 'Oh right, sorry about that. I didn't mean to.'

The man patted me on the shoulder, 'That's okay, his green tights were beginning to creep me out anyway.'

I asked him, 'What's your name?'

The giant said, 'I'm Little John.'

I exclaimed, 'What kind of a name is that!'

Little John shrugged, 'The dude in the tights gave it to me.' I scratched my head, surely Robin Hood was more disturbed then I had ever imagined. What kind of legendary man named a giant, 'Little John.'

I said, 'That's a lousy name, Little John. No offense.'

Little John replied, 'None taken.'

I finally said, 'Well, Mr. Green Tights is dead, so I'll give you a new name. Henceforth, you shall now be known as Vertically Gifted John!'

Vertically Gifted John nodded, 'Oooh, I like it!'

He then asked, 'Do you want to become our new leader? Robin's dead by your nose. Surely you're the most powerful being to walk this Middle Earth!'

I blushed red, 'Oh come off it... You don't mean it...'

Vertically Gifted John continued, 'You would be the perfect leader, defeating Robin with your nose is a great feat. Besides, I know several Merry Men who need your help.'

Are you impressed, Legolas? In two seconds you might kill an Orc. But in two seconds_ I_ replaced Robin Hood. I even surprise myself!

Well, I must be going now!

I'm beginning to think that if I hadn't of killed him, he would have taken his own life. Do you know how hard it is to explain that the proper place for Underwear is not on your head?

'Till the next time! Have a nice day, Squeaky Clean Legolas!

Slightly Greying Gandalf

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Okay people - I know this is crazy, but just work with me! Don't worry, the next chapters become more... wierd. Don't forget to Review!  
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	2. 2nd Letter

The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(Before Mr. Green Tights)

Dear Elf-Boy,

About that thing I forgot...

I remember now. It was my previous encounter with two odd characters. Not with Mr. Green Tights, I'd never laid eyes, or a nose, on him before. This deals with another wizard, a _real_ cheap-scape. Merlin. Yes, that little pip-squeak that hangs around that Arthur fellow. Actually, I was very surprised to find he hadn't been killed yet... so many enemies he's accumulated. Oh well... The fact is I ran into him. Well, I didn't run into him... actually I was sitting. And I was roasting my potatoes – that was my lunch you see. Okay, let me start at the beginning...

I was riding my horse (I hadn't fallen off it at that point) when I passed by a very lovely lake. It was so pretty I just had to stop and stare at it for awhile. The waters were very peaceful, calm and blue. It reminded me of you, only you're not full of fish. (No, I'm not implying your pretty – but that you're _calm and peaceful_ – stupid elf; I can't believe I had to explain that...)

Staring at the lake, my stomach growled at me. Actually, it also shook the earth and accidentally caused some little Volcano to erupt over some small city called Pompeii. (Stupid Men built a city under a volcano, I'm beginning to think the world are full of those type of people.) Anyway, I was hungry. So I asked myself, where better to eat lunch than next to this lovely lake? Besides, if I had waited any longer to feed my grumbling stomach, it probably would have opened a crack in the earth and swallowed up the lake, and me along with it.

I tied my horse to a near by rock, spread out a Grey blanket, and frowned. Out of the corner of my eye was the hilt of a sword sticking out of a rock.

I said, 'That is very odd place to put a sword.'

After telling my stomach that if it shook the earth again I wouldn't feed it for another two hundred years, I walked over to the rock and touched the hilt. The hilt didn't move an inch. I frowned.

When Gandalf the Grey touched something, it moved.

I said, 'That is very VERY odd.'

I grabbed the hilt and pulled with all my strength, wrinkling my nose for good measure. The sword popped out with a hissing sound.

What had looked like a lovely blade, I was surprised to find, turned out to be a steaming, mutilated, metal stick _wishing_ it was a blade. I frowned, what a waste of time.

Turning back to my picnic, I sneezed. Flames shot out of my nose and created a small little fire right beside my blanket. Searching through my pack I got out some potatoes, which I had 'borrowed' from some Hobbits. Looking at the metal stick with the sword hilt, I smiled. A great idea came to me, as only great ideas can.

I stuck the potatoes on the metal stick, stuck them over the fire, and proceeded to roast them as one roasted marshmallows. Maybe the metal stick wasn't as useless as I had originally thought.

Anyway, there I sat, roasting my potatoes when the ground suddenly shook. At first I began to scold my stomach, but then I gasped as the lake waters streamed upward in a spectacular show of spraying liquids and sparkling light. Amidst these streaming waters was a very beautiful woman decked in blue. Upon closer examination, she WAS blue. Her gown and hair was flowing water and she was made out of that which was the sky. Her eyes shined like two little stars. The Lady of the Lake.

I held out my new roasting stick and asked very politely, 'Potato?'

The Lady looked at the stick then back to me in disbelief, like it was the stupidest question she had ever heard. I was insulted, it was a very sensible question, considering she lived in a lake and probably the only thing she got to eat was fish. And let me tell you, Elf-Boy, you can get really tired of fish really fast.

She said in a voice like music, 'Oh Merlin! Finally you have come to reclaim the sword, Excalibur, from the stone.'

The name Merlin rang a bell, but Excalibur? I looked at the stone wear my roasting stick had once sat. Then I looked back at my roasting stick.

I said, holding up my roasting stick, 'You mean this?'

The Lady gasped, 'Excalibur! What have you done to it!'

I looked at my roaster, 'Looks more like a 'Pathetic' to me, but you can call it whatever you like.'

The Lady shouted, ' "Pathetic?" That is Excalibur! You destroyed Excalibur!'

I said, 'Oh, I did? Sorry about that, but it was kind of stuck in a rock...'

The Lady shook her head, 'Stupid Man.'

I gasped in outrage, 'Man? MAN! I am a wizard, thank you very much!'

I was so infuriated, I wrinkled my nose. The Lady and her lake disappeared in a great flash. Probably sent to some far off continent, or maybe even another planet. Let's just say I was very grateful I was not the Lady of the Lake that day.

I said, 'Dang. I really have got to start going to those Nasal Help Groups. That's the third time this week!'

Sitting down, I quickly ate three potatoes and added two new ones to my new roaster. Suddenly the bushes rustled off in the distance. I wrinkled my nose, but not for magical purposes. I smelled the sent of a lame wizard, Merlin! Merlin, always the chatter box, marched out of the bushes, robes swinging with his wild and unsteady pace. Following behind him was a younger fellow with a crown of gold. I thought this was very odd, considering the race of Men had no king, then I saw who he was. King Arthur from the court of Camelot! Merlin marched in my direction, then spotted the lake. Well, now more of a bone dry pit, but anyway...

Merlin cried in terror, 'The lake! The lake!'

The poor man looked so depressed I held out my roaster, 'Potato?'

Merlin whacked my potatoes with the back side of his hand, sending them into the dust. My stomach lurked and shook the ground, annoyed. I patted it and muttered, 'I know he's rude, but he's a Man, remember?' I would never call Merlin a wizard.

The potatoes flew into my hand with a wink of my eye, and I dusted them off with my beard. I offered one to the king, 'Potato?'

King Arthur shook his head, 'No, but thank you for asking.' I shrugged and popped another one into my mouth. As I munched on my potato I said - spewing potato bits as Gimili spews lugies, 'Needs butter.'

Merlin, never paying attention to me, cried, 'What has happened to the lake!'

I swallowed the potato in one big gulp and piped up, 'Sorry, but that was me.'

Merlin looked at me in shock, 'But what happened to the Lady of the Lake?'

I scratched the back of my head, 'Oh, that was kind of me, too.'

Merlin whirled around in horror, 'What!'

I shrugged, 'I didn't mean to, it just sort of happened.'

Merlin exclaimed, 'Oh, so you just happened to aim some gun at her and shoot her full of lead?'

I blinked, 'Gun? What is a gun? I used my nose.'

King Arthur brightened up, 'You used your nose? That's totally awesome!'

I nodded, 'Yes, I don't use guns. Gun, sounds like a sissy weapon to me. Let me guess, they're made by the elves?'

Arthur's eyes widened, ignoring my other question, 'You're an even greater wizard than Merlin! Pray tell, what is thy name?'

I blinked, 'Oh me? I'm Gandalf the Grey. Notice all the Grey...'

Merlin interrupted, 'Oh, who cares what his name is! Come, Arthur! Excalibur awaits!'

I pointed to my roaster just as Merlin spotted the empty rock, 'Oh, that would be this. It kind of broke.'

Merlin's eyes popped open. Arthur, not caring one bit, stood off to the side and watched with interest as Merlin went into another fit.

Merlin gasped, 'You broke it!'

I sighed, 'Well, technically I didn't break it... considering it _was_ stuck in a rock...'

Merlin exclaimed, grabbing Excalibur from my hand, 'It was _supposed_ to be in a rock!'

Then he began to sob. Arthur whispered in my ear, 'Sorry about him, he's a bit pathetic.'

I nodded, 'Kind of like his sword there.'

Merlin sobbed louder, he blew his nose on his beard. I winced, 'Is he always like this?'

Arthur shrugged, 'Don't know myself, he just started following me around one day. Put a crown on my head and turned me into a king. I didn't want to be a king, you know. I just wanted to be a Pig-Boy, but no... Merlin wouldn't hear of Arthur the Pig-Boy...'

I scratched my beard and was so busy thinking I wrinkled my nose. Merlin's hair disappeared.

Merlin put his hands up to his head in shock and amazement. Arthur cried out, 'Righteous!'

I said, 'Oopsy. It's my nasal powers, they have a mind of their own.'

Merlin turned on me, 'How dare you...!'

I informed him, 'Not I, my nose. There's a difference you know.'

Merlin began ranting and raving. King Arthur and I ignored him. I held up a potato to the King, 'Now do you want a potato? I think we'll be here awhile.'

Legolas, what happened after that I am not sure. King Arthur and I spoke of many things, politics, the economy, the velocity of an unladen African Sparrow, why bananas are yellow... I guess I must have dozed off. For when I awoke, both Arthur and Merlin were gone. Anyhow, that was my adventure. After that I jumped back upon my horse, and rode into the forest to fall off my horse and run into Mr. Green Tights.

Well, I must begin on my journey again. For now that I have lost my horse, I have been traveling much slower. I tried to steal a horse, but then these dogs chased me up a tree. Most unpleasant.

Bye! Legolas, may your journeys be less... odd.

Gandalf the Grey. _Seriously_, you'd think someone would notice all the Grey...

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Poor Gandalf getting chased up a tree... Must I say 'please review' or is that already implied?  
Oh yeah! I also welcome Legolas Replies! Here is... well... sort of an example of one I got from one of my friends:

_Re: Before Mr. Green Tights  
I take offense, as an elf, to that gun comment. You old decreped loser wizard! Ha hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah HA! " Why bananas are yellow..." Yer funny... for an old decreped wizard. Very nice... very nice indeed! Keep writing!_  
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	3. 3rd Letter

The Lost Letters of Gandalf  
(Evil Shrubberies, and Really Bad Eggs)

Hello,

If you are not Legolas, put this letter back into its floating bottle and throw it back.

If it is you, Elf-Boy, I am very surprised you have gotten my letter.

Now, don't get any ideas. Just so you know, _no_, I do not usually send my letters by floating rum bottles. However, at the moment, it seemed to be the best idea considering I'm stuck on an island. Yes, those little dots of land covered with bananas? I'm there, and I'm surrounded by the Big Blue Ocean.

It is big... and blue. I thought as much! (Nothing gets past Gandalf the Grey!)

Well, I guess it would be best if I tell you how I got out here, considering I was walking farther _inland_ to find information on the Ring of Power...

I was walking because, as you already know, I fell off my horse. Well, I was walking along these quite untidy paths when I met an army of shrubbery. I tired shoving my staff at them, winking, and even did a few tap dancing steps... You don't need to know where I learned them... heh-heh...

So they were really quite annoying, but it would have been quite lame if I had given up on the quest to stop the Ring of Power on account of some shrubbery. This being so, I made my way through them with as much diligence as I could muster.

This in itself was quite a task. For one to keep their dignity while walking through scratchy, tangly, shrubbery... let's just say it's hard. I was able to walk through the shrubbery until one particularly unruly bush grabbed me by the foot and tripped me! I am positive it did it on purpose!

I always knew shrubberies were evil...

Anyhow, I was quite mad at the shrubbery, and the path itself - so mad I wrinkled my nose.

Let it be said, it is not good to wrinkle your nose at something... while you're still on it.

I have always wondered where things go when I wrinkle my nose at them. Now I know, out in the middle of the big blue. Maybe even a world away - from what I witnessed next, but wait... I am getting ahead of myself...

The path and bush disappeared, me along with it. With a **pop**, for it was instantaneous, I arrived out in the middle of the ocean. We hovered nicely for a few moments above the waves. I could see no land, not even a bit of floating sea kelp. Surprised, I just sort of sat there until the path, being unable to float on its, own fell into the waves. Me along with it.

To my surprise the waves were not cold but lukewarm, either that or the freezing cold temperatures were making me lose my mind. Taking that into account I swam for my dear, Grey life.

As I swam I realized a great shadow had fallen over me. Behind me was a great billowing ship, racing at me with the speed of 10 horses!

With a squeak, I wiggled my ears. The ship stopped in its tracks, several inches from my large nose.

It was not long before a head peeped over the rim of the ship. He looked down at me in surprised.

I looked up at him, waved and shouted, 'Hello! - I like your boat!'

The poor fellow went to get his captain, a bizarre (which is quite an understatement) man who could use a decent hair cut. The captain's name was Jack Something-Or-Other... he was named after a bird though. Which, in my opinion, is better than being named after a _Tree_, Legolas Greenleaf. Anyhow, Jack and his crew welcomed me aboard. It was within these few moments I found I was among pirates!

I have always been a good wizard, and I did, after all, have a quest to finish. I told them quite plainly to drop me off at the nearest land mass and bid me farewell.

Well, they dropped me off at a little island saying, they too were on a quest. Something about getting a silly boat... the Black Pearl, Black Stone, Black Something-Or-Other... Anyhow, so I sat at the island for several days.

I soon realized I was probably better off on the pirate ship. Eating coconuts gets quite boring after a while and I had already eaten all my potatoes. Also, if you took into account that I could walk all the way around the island in under ten minutes - this was not helping me on my quest.

The next morning when I woke up Captain Jack was there, along with a woman named Elizabeth. I was very surprised and they said that they were cast off and left on the island to starve. Then Jack revealed a hidden storage of rum... yes, it is with one of those bottles I sent this message in.

In my opinion, for yes, I _always_ have an opinion... Pirates are not a very smart sort of people. Sort of like a Orc/human cross breed, only they don't stink as much. Instead they eat too much, and fart way too often. (You don't need to know where I got that little piece of information, either...) Not only this, but they have this thing about a pirate song, in which they proceed to call themselves 'Really Bad Eggs'. More like 'Really Moldy With-That-Kind-of-Mold-That-Smells-Weird Eggs'!

Well, I must be off. Elizabeth is throwing everything into a giant, ragging bonfire. So I better send this letter before she gets a hold of it. I shall write again, so do not fear. It takes more than a few 'Really Bad Eggs' to bring down Gandalf the Grey!

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If you don't review, I'll sick Gandalf's nose on you! Either that, or I'll have Jack drool in your lap.  
I'm glad everybody likes this so far.  
**Legolas's Girl 9**: I feel your pain, I was forced to read a King Arthur book too...  
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	4. 4th Letter

The Lost Letters of Gandalf  
(Pirates, in my opinion...)

That does it! I am never traveling by water again!

Legolas, you are so lucky you are too chicken to travel away from your elven forests. I have spent several days in a holding cell with Captain Jack Something-Bird. Mr. In-Charge (Norrington or something like that,), I never really got his name, (He was wearing a stupid triangle hat, and he had a tiny ponytail. He also spoke like a prissy, stuck-up, mommy's boy... but anyway...) he believed I was a pirate, so here I am.

I must make a recommendation, these cells are way too small to hold two people. I woke up this morning, and found Jack on my shoulder. Oh yes, there was also a little puddle of drool, but I was expecting that from a pirate. I hope I never meet another pirate ever again. Give me Orcs, give me evil wizards, give me giant, unblinking eyes, just don't give me pirates! In my opinion Pirates are actually Really Awful, Distorted, _Never-Should-Have-Come-Out-Of-The-Chicken_ Eggs! Not only this, but they must be some sort of alien sent to decrease the intelligence of the human race! (I do think this is sort of a waste of time on their part, Men can't get much more stupid than they already are...)

Look at all the time on my hands, I'm thinking about aliens for goodness sakes!

When ever you feel like coming and saving me, be my guest.

Gandalf the Going Insane, Grey

P.S. Do you have any extra bibs Jack can borrow?

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What can I say? Gandalf's a whiner...  
Sorry it's short, I'll get the next Letter up fast... Keep the Reviews coming! And if anyone has any ideas about anything, I'd love to hear them!  
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	5. 5th Letter

The Lost Letters of Gandalf  
(The Smarty Pants of the World: Monkeys)

Yo ho!

Yo ho!

I have not deciphered the meaning of this phrase, but I have found it useful to use it in every other sentence. It's some sort of pirate code talk. For example Jack would say, 'Yo ho! A pirates life for me!' The latter was very obvious, considering the fact, he is, indeed, a pirate. However, this 'Yo ho!' business is unknown to me. Not even the block-headed elves have something so block-headed in their language.

Anyhow, I am back in Middle earth. Along with my own pirate band. (Yes, they came with their own trumpets.) At the moment I'm taking them to Vertically Gifted John's camp. I doubt he will mind a few recruits, and with their intelligence level, the pirates will fit right in.

However, as much as I despise Jack, I am bringing him along with me on my quest. During the rest of my voyager on the Big Blue, I fought cursed men that turned into mummy like creators in moonlight, and helped solve a Aztec curse. (Which I thought was extremely intelligent of me, considering I have never heard of an Aztec before.) To my surprise, I found Jack to be quite resourceful and brave. He also has this piratey flare which gives him style. The only real downside to Jack is that he's never heard of a soap bar and so the only thing that matches his terrible breath is his serious B.O.

While I am bringing him with me, I doubt I shall ever introduce him to other members of Middle Earth. He would probably get himself killed by insulting someone. Like King Arthur or Merlin, I still have no idea where they went off to.

Anyhow, I will soon begin my quest for the Ring, but now I must tell you of my meeting of the monkey, who is also named Jack. (Hey, I can talk to _moths_, what makes you think I can't talk to _monkeys_?)

I said, 'Hello, furry one.'

The monkey replied, 'Beardy, the name's Jack. Monkey Jack.'

I nodded, 'All right then, Monkey Jack, tell me what are you doing on a pirate's ship?'

Monkey Jack said, 'Why wouldn't I be on a pirate's ship?'

I shrugged, 'Well, pirates usually have parrots. It's a universal trade mark, you know.'

Monkey Jack gasped as thought thinking over it for the first time, 'Pirates shouldn't have monkeys?'

I frowned and stroked my beard, 'I've never met a monkey before, so I couldn't tell you.'

Pondering on this a while, I continued, 'Actually, I've never even met a parrot.'

Captain Jack walked up behind me, he asked, 'What are you doing, old man?'

I replied, annoyed, 'Yo ho! What does it look like I'm doing, _little boy. _Yo!I am talking to the monkey. Ho!'

Captain Jack blinked then asked, 'Really? What's he saying?'

Monkey Jack asked, 'What's with the big hairy human that needs a decent haircut?'

I whispered, 'That's what _I_ would like to know...'

I said to Captain Jack, 'The monkey says you are quite... er... charming... Yo ho...'

Monkey Jack slapped his forehead, 'More like giant dope...'

Captain Jack, ever ignorant to that of monkey ways, said, 'Tell the monkey, 'Thank you.'

I turned to Monkey Jack, 'Dummy, here, agrees with you.'

Monkey Jack thought over this for a while, 'Amazing, usually humans I insult go into denial.'

I thought over this a moment, 'Sort of like an Elf I know...'

Monkey Jack frowned, 'Elf? Aren't those the little dudes that work for Santa?'

I blinked, 'Santa?'

We both shook our heads, 'Never mind...'

Captain Jack frowned suddenly and demanded, 'What's its name?'

I blinked, 'First of all, it's not an "it". It's a monkey, and his name is Jack - Monkey Jack.'

Captain Jack screamed, 'Mate! That's Barbossa's psycho monkey sidekick!'

I tugged my beard thoughtfully, 'You don't say...'

Captain Jack grabbed the monkey and tried to throw him overboard. But Monkey Jack, being the monkey he was, bit Captain Jack's fingers and pooped on his pants. Then he ran off and disappeared under a crack in the floor. Jack is conviced the monkey's plotting our destruction, or something around those lines..._ I_ think that pirate had gotten a little more than too much sun...

Sadly, Monkey Jack could not come with me on my journey. It was nice to have finally met someone of my intelligence for a change, even if was was a psycho monkey. I've always found this sort of odd, considering humans evolved from monkeys. More like _devolved_...

Well, Elf-Boy...

I must be moving on. Jack, the human Jack, is craving a 'drink'. Which I have learned is more like a few giant gulps. Those giant gulps that make you burp one of those burps that tell you what you've eaten for the past few days. Then the pirate usually passes out and starts snoring something dreadful. It's enough to put any bar man out of business! So, I must move on - so he doesn't double back into town and grab a 'small drink.'

Hope you're having fun without me...

Which is probably impossible, considering we wizards are the Party Animals of Middle Earth.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. The reason the pirates came with me to Middle Earth was another nose accident. One moment I'm quite mad at Jack, then here we all are back in Middle Earth. I only hope I have not harmed Middle Earth by bringing these pirates into the lands. Oh yes, and Legolas... who is this one called... Santa?

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This Letter was kind of a set up for what happens next – which means you people are stuck in suspense! Haha! I'll tell you this much, though. The next Letter has to do with _lumpy heads_. (You'll never guess it!)

Hey, thanks for all the suggestions!  
Eventually I'm going to do a whole series of Sci-Fi based Letters. STAR WARS, STAR TREK, Lost in Space, maybe even a bit of Planet of the Apes... Or I could just skip directly to Spaceballs and cover the whole thing! (Don't worry, I wouldn't do that to you.)

Well, keep the Reviews coming, and any other suggestions are welcomed!  
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	6. 6th Letter

The Lost Letters of Gandalf

(The Funky Fellowship, In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli gets Them all Killed)

Dear Legolas,

During my travels with Jack, I have finally come to the conclusion of Santa. He is a big, fat, man with a beard who runs the North Pole. If I knew where the North Pole was, perhaps I'd go visit him. Jack suggested we bring milk and cookies as an offering of goodwill and peace. A formidable combination.

Also, unfortunately I have also run into a few difficulties. For one, now Galadriel is traveling with us, though not by her own free will. Let me explain, but first... Jack is, how should I put this, he is not very educated. We went through the Elven forest and met Galadriel. She and Jack... er... didn't really hit it off. It went somewhat like this...

Galadriel said in mild, but joyful surprise (Or at least as joyful as she could get, considering she's an elf. Elves are all party poopers. If it weren't for their pointy ears, they would never be considered '_cool_'.) , 'Gandalf the Grey, we were told you were lost in Moria. I'm so glad you are alive.'

I though for a moment, 'Oh yes, Moria... That big, flaming thing. Yeah, it was very annoying. But, of course, I am a wizard and so it was only a minor task to defeat it.'

As an afterthought I continued, 'Except for the part when I fell down the pit, that totally tangled my beard... took hours for it to comb out.'

Galadriel didn't answer, but instead turned to Jack, 'And who is...'

Jack smiled at her, 'Good-day love, mighty nice tree you got here. A bit breezy though... You must have a terrible time with loggers.'

Galadriel's eyes flashed, she echoed, '_Love_?'

Jack shrugged, 'If you don't like that, love, I could call you sweetheart... or pumpkin! I _love_ pumpkins, especially when they're in pies. Do _you_ like pies?'

Galadriel turned to me, 'And this is...?'

Jack interrupted, 'I knew a Eunuch once, I think he liked pies... Actually, I never asked him myself, really...'

I told Galadriel, 'This is Jack Sparrow...'

Jack interjected, '_Captain_ Jack Sparrow!'

I continued, 'Yes, this is Captain Jack Sparrow, one of my new traveling companions.'

Galadriel wrinkled her nose, probably because Jack was breathing in her direction, 'Indeed? Is he part of the... Fellowship?'

I said promptly in a whisper, '_Him_? Part of the _Fellowship_? Are you gone _mad_, elf!'

Jack piped up, 'Fellowship? Not a Eunuch fellowship I hope...'

I tried desperately to explain to Galadriel before she kicked us out, 'He's a pirate, kind of mad really... I've found if you tune out what he says he's actually a quite pleasant fellow...'

Jack went on, 'You know what, pumpkin? Wait! Wait wait! How about doll? You look sort of like a doll, only one of those half-priced ones whose heads are sort of lumpy...'

I spoke louder, trying to cover his voice, 'Yes, he's good with the sword and likes... er... drinks...'

Jack said quickly, 'I like weddings, too.'

I continued frantically, 'Anyway, he's more like one of those quirky side-kicks... The kind that, you know, that act a bit quirky... it's the heat – went to his head...'

Jack continued, 'As I was saying, doll... I had this great plan, see? It involved tooth picks... and _sausage_, lots of sausage...'

I said, 'Um... yeah, he sort of just started following me around... I have absolute _no_ _idea_ where he came from... Never met him in my entire life...!'

Jack stated, 'You can never have enough sausage...'

I went on, 'So, as you can imagine, I loathed to bring him here... but he's a... he's a free spirit, really... and so... um...' At this point in time Galadriel began to actually start looking like a half-priced doll, her face flamed red with anger. She'd put a tomato to shame.

Jack continued, 'So you stick the sausages on the toothpicks, savvy? And put them on a platter, not a turkey platter, doll, but a _sausage_ platter...'

By this time I was writing up my own funeral.

Jack began to speak again so I wrinkled my nose out of desperation. I was hoping to transport Jack back to the Caribbean – I had dared not do so before, because, while I may be a great wizard, my control over the decisions of my nose are far from great.

To my horror, Galadriel disappeared with a puff of smoke.

Jack went on, 'And so you put the sausages of the sausage platter, but you _poison_ 'em first, see? Doll? _Doll?_... Oh, well anyway, so they're poisoned and...'

I was in shock, 'Oh my beardy! I killed Galadriel, the Lady of the Wood!'

Jack continued, 'So when the bad guys, these Orc fellows, eat the sausages they start to foam at the mouth, like those walruses with rabbis. And then...'

A sound came from our feet, 'Ribbit!' An outraged looking frog hopped at our feet.

Jack looked down and picked it up, 'Well, this is a half-priced frog it I ever saw one... _Good_ _heavens_!' Jack dropped the frog, while I thought, how odd would it be for a frog to be in the middle of the woods in a tree... if possible, my bread went whiter. Unless the frog was...

Jack said quite plainly, 'Well, _now_ you've done it, Gandalf! You've gone right up and turned Doll, here, into a _horny_ _toad_.'

I said, 'Oopsy.'

I bent down and told Galadriel, 'I was aiming for the pirate.'

Galadriel said, 'Croak!'

I stood up and scratched my head. Someone would certainly notice that Galadriel had turned into a toad.

Especially her boy-friend, Lord Celeborn.

I gasped, 'Lord Celeborn! He'll kill us if he finds out we turned Galadriel into a toad!'

Jack said, annoyed, '_We_? Hey, you got me into this, savvy? And besides that, mate, she's a _horny_ toad.'

I paced, making sure not to step on the Lady of the Wood. If I used my nose again, I might turn _Jack_ into a toad. I doubted Galadriel would care for his company.

A voice shouted, 'Ahh! Wizard Gandalf!'

I gasped, 'Lord Celebron!'

Jack sighed, 'You know, I'm beginning to think all elves are Eunuchs... it's the only explanation...'

Jack picked up Galadriel and stuck her in his pocket, 'In you go, doll. Or should I call you toady, or maybe froggy? Hey, what about _Frogger_!'

Lord Celeborn seemed to float up to us. Jack whispered, 'He isn't one of those cursed dead ones, is he?'

I turned to him and whispered, 'Silence, you insane pirate, keep your tongue in your mouth where it belongs and maybe we shall keep our heads.'

As an afterthought I added with conviction, 'Yo ho!'

Celebron said, 'Gandalf, I'm so glad to see you in good health. We were told you had fallen in Moria.'

I echoed, 'Fallen? Well, more or less around those lines.'

Celebron looked around, 'But where is the Lady Galadriel? Was she not here to greet you?'

Jack said, 'Yes, charming elf really... She sort of went...'

I burst out, 'She went away!'

Celebron blinked at my out burst, 'Away?'

I confirmed, 'Away... hey, you know what! We need to be getting away, also! It was so nice to see you again, but you know... can't spare one second! Got to destroy that Evil Ring of Power! Bye!'

I dragged Jack along with me, and we exited the forest as fast as we could.

Jack reminded me, 'Mate, this Galadriel Lady's still in my pocket...'

I said, 'I know!'

Jack went on, 'And she's still a toad...'

I said, 'I know!'

And that is how the Lady of the Horny Toads joined us on our quest to help destroy the Ring of Power.

Gandalf the Worried, Grey

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Oh come on, I know you all wanted to see Galadriel get turned into a toad!  
This was about the most hilarious Letter I think I've written yet... I just can't wait for you guys to meet the Frenchguy whose actually Spanish... (Oh course I'm not going to tell you who he is!)

**mrsblonde1503**: Alien vs. Predator vs. Gandalf... that should be fun...  
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	7. 7th Letter

The Lost Letters of Gandalf

Galadriel, Lady of the Horny Toads

Dear Legolas,

Poor Galadriel is still traveling with us. (And, I might add, there are two more as well) I have not yet found a means of communication with her, so I have no idea how she is. And let me tell you, not knowing how one of the most powerful Elven Witches of all time feels is a bit concerning. Jack is still traveling with me, unfortunately. It is his fault all of this happened, wizards are too perfect to allow such occurrences. The most amusing part is, I believe Galadriel understands this. I'll explain a bit later.

Because Galadriel is a toad, it has been quite odd trying to figure out what to feed her. Elves are veggies, but frogs eat flies. To solve this, we simply let Galadriel out at night and let her feed on her own.

At night, strange things seem to happen to us. Well, more accurately, to Jack Sparrow. (Captain Jack Sparrow, as he constantly reminds me...) He now has a new haircut - during one night all his hair disappeared. Along with that, most of his 'effects' as he calls them, vanished as well. In other words, his sword, the compass that doesn't point North, and other odds and ins. I believe Galadriel is to blame, but if she does indeed still have control over her powers, why has she chosen to remain as a toad, and a _horny_ toad no less? Perhaps she is simply keeping an eye on us... Sometimes I think Galadriel is in more control over the situations than we are, which is rather lame considering she is a toad after all.

Anyway, after we left the Elven Forest we tracked the footsteps of Frodo the best we could. I had given up on my search to find information on the Ring, at the rate I've been traveling – I'll be lucky to catch up with you guys. Watch for us in a year or two.

Well, as we traveled through the valleys we stumbled across none other than King Arthur and Merlin!

I said, 'Hello, again. Sorry, but I don't have any potatoes.'

Jack whispered eyeing them, 'More Eunuchs?'

Galadriel rolled her eyes and croaked softly. I told her, 'I know exactly how you feel.'

Merlin gasped when he saw us, 'Oh! For goodness sake, not _you_ again!'

King Arthur nodded to me and said, 'He still hasn't gotten over Excalibur.'

Jack echoed, 'Excalibur?'

Galadriel shouted, 'Ribbit! Croak! Ribbit!'

Merlin blinked, 'Gandalf, is that a horny toad riding on your shoulder?'

I shrugged, 'Actually it's Galadriel, the Elven Witch, but I guess technically she's a horny toad.'

Jack nodded, 'He did it, not me, savvy?'

Merlin wrinkled his nose, 'And who is this stinky fellow? Some sewer rat, no doubt.'

Arthur sighed and said quickly, 'Forgive my companion, he is not himself.'

Jack frowned slightly, and took off his hat. Quite ceremonially, he placed it on the balding Merlin's head.

Jack told him, 'So your brain doesn't catch cold.'

Merlin hissed and pulled off the hat, 'It's probably full of lice! Ugh! And you would consider _me_ rift-raft, Gandalf the Grey. I propose you look closer at your own, before you start judging me!'

Jack placed his hands on Merlin's shoulders, 'Mate, I've got no hair...'

Galadriel croaked in agreement.

Jack continued, 'No hair, that equals no lice, savvy?'

Suddenly, Jack backed away from Merlin, like he was some disease.

Jack asked, 'You're not a Eunuch, are you?'

Arthur blinked, 'What's a Eunuch?'

I sighed, 'It's a castrated man; or a man whose testes have not developed.'

This ended with an awkward silence.

Arthur blinked, 'I didn't need to know that...'

I blinked, 'What are you looking at me for, I'm a wizard. My brain is twice the size of your's. If you don't want to know, why do you ask? For it is obvious _I_ would know the answer.'

Merlin sighed, 'All right, oh Great Wizard, why are you following us?'

I stroked my beard, '_Great_ _Wizard_... I like the sound of that...'

Jack spoke up, 'We're saving the world, mates. Destroying the _Ring of Power_.'

Merlin nodded and winked at Arthur, 'Right... The _Ring of Power_... I'm _sooo_ scared! _Ohh_! Hold me!'

Jack gasped, 'I knew it! He _is_ a Eunuch!'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit, croaky, croak!'

Merlin nodded, 'Quite right.'

I blinked, 'You speak toad?'

Merlin shrugged, 'You speak to Moths and Monkeys, why can't I speak to toads?'

Arthur said, 'As king, I must protect my people any way possible! We shall come and help you destroy this threat.'

Merlin turned to Arthur, 'We _will_?'

Arthur confirmed, 'We will!'

Galadriel croaked.

Merlin said, 'She says: "Well, if that stupid elf Legolas gets himself and the others killed, then at least I and the Funky Fellowship will be there." One question, who's Legolas?'

I turned to face Galadriel and said with a surprising surge of loyalty, 'He's not _that_ stupid.'

Galadriel croaked again. I shrugged.

'It's Gimli _I_ worry about.'

Arthur whispered to Jack, 'What's a Gimli?'

Jack rolled his eyes at Arthur, 'Clearly you've never been to Singapore.'

Merlin piped up, 'I think it's some kind of Elven Gum Ball.'

Jack looked thoughtful for a moment, 'I wonder if it's Pumpkin flavor. I like pumpkins, do you like pumpkins? And of course there's that great mystery of the universe, do _Eunuchs_ like pumpkins?'

I sighed, 'Jack Sparrow... _Captain_ Jack Sparrow, I think you're going a bit overboard with this Eunuch business.'

Jack smiled, 'Ahh, you _think_ I'm going a bit overboard, but I could be...'

Merlin hit Jack over the head.

Galadriel croaked her approval.

I looked at the unconscious, drooling Jack laying in the grass.

I said, nodding, 'All right, then, you guys are in.'

That is how Merlin and King Arthur joined us on our quest. Funky Fellowship indeed.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. Now that I have Mister Annoying on my tail, that would be _Merlin_, Legolas, I know I will soon be going white. At least my hair, anyway.

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Will Jack ever discover if eunuchs like pumpkins?

Will we ever truly know just what a Gimli is?

Find out in the next Lost Letters of Gandalf! enter dramatic music and gongs

Okay people, what'd you think? Well... I can't read your mind – review and tell me!

**crazyrabidfangurl** thanks for all the lovely reviews! You win a gold star! Six feet tall! Don't worry about trying to fit it in your room – I've arranged for it to be plastered to your roof.

**mrsblonde1503** I would LOVE to see that when you're done! Send me a copy!  
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	8. 8th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

Dead Men Tell No Tales! (Whomever said this is a big, fat liar!)

Legolas,

I believe I am going through some sort of reunion of the people I mostly disliked throughout my life. I have run into Merlin and King Arthur, and now they are following us. And now I've just run into someone I killed already!

But first, let us say my adventures now lie within stopping Merlin from killing Jack, or tackling someone before they step on Galadriel. With the skill I am showing, I believe I may have a future in Football. I'm afraid my opinion of Merlin has also changed. (But only a little bit!) He has become a bit handy, actually. He did keep the remains of Excalibur which he gave to me because they were, in his own words, 'Utterly, tremendously depressing, and I do mean _depressing!_' So now I have my roaster back, I am much pleased.

Now for the reunion part of my tale. As the five of us (_Captain_ Jack Sparrow, Merlin, King Arthur, Galadriel and myself) continued on our quest to help destroy the Ring of Power, I ran into someone I did not quite expect.

Sitting in the middle of the road, a man laid stretched out starring at the sky.

We were riding on horses (Yes, I _had_ fallen off mine, but we had... um... _acquired_ new ones.) and the brambles were too thick for us to steer our animals off the road. I believe one road belongs to one man as much as the next, but laying in the middle of the road?

I dismounted my horse and walked over to the man. He stared up at the sky unblinkingly. At first I thought him dead, but when I prodded him with my roaster he grunted, and it does not take a wizard to know that dead men do not grunt.

I said, 'Pardon me, but what are you doing laying in the middle of the road?'

The man answered, 'I'm starring up at the sky.'

Galadriel, who rode on my shoulder, heaved a croaking sigh.

I nodded, 'Yes, but _why _are you laying in the middle of the road starring up at the sky?'

The man answered, 'I'm looking for shapes in the clouds.'

By this time, Jack had already dismounted and had come to stand by me. Jack looked up.

Jack said, 'There are no clouds.'

The man answered, 'I know.'

Now I was confused, 'How can you be laying in the middle of the road, starring up at the sky and looking for shapes in the clouds, when there _are_ no clouds!'

The man replied, 'Hey, I just lay here, okay? So just, like _back off_!'

The man looked me in the face and I gasped.

I shouted, 'Oh my beardy! It's Mr. Green Tights!'

Jack frowned and hissed in my ear, 'He wears _tights_? Must be a Eunuch!'

Mr. Green Tights frowned, 'Oh yes... that was what you called me. Now, my _real _name is Robin...'

I stared down at his tights, 'Oh, I see, so now you're Mr. Slightly-Blue-With-A-Tinge-Of-Purple Tights.'

Jack thought over this a moment and declared, 'Nice name, kind of catchy.'

The former Mr. Green Tights said angrily, 'My name is Robin Hood!'

Jack frowned, 'But I like Mr. Slightly-Blue-With-A-Tinge-Of-Purple Tights.'

He-Whose-Name-Is-Undecided exclaimed, 'Fine then! But you can call my Swabtop, for short.'

I shouted, 'Enough!'

Jack frowned, 'Wouldn't it be _Sbwa_top?'

Swabtop glared at him, 'Well, that doesn't make any sense, now does it?'

I turned on Swabtop, 'I _killed_ you, you were _dead_!'

Swabtop shook his head, 'No, I only smelled dead. Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead and everyday was as long as a life age of the Earth... But it was no the end. I felt life in me again. I've been sent back until my task is done.'

Arthur blinked, 'What task?'

Swabtop shrugged, 'I don't know, why do you think I'm laying in the middle of the road, starring up at the sky and looking for shapes in the clouds?'

Galadriel turned to me and suddenly began to croak. I turned towards Merlin.

I asked, 'Translation please?'

Merlin stuck his nose up in the air, and loftily brushed back his cape, 'Oh, so now the Great Wizard _needs_ me...'

King Arthur sighed, 'Urgh! She said, "Gandalf, did you not die while fighting the Balrog of Morgoth on the Bridge of Khazad-Dûm? Should you not be Gandalf the White? Yet, you still wear the garb of Grey! Gandalf, cast off thy cloak and reveal thy truth!" Um... I don't know about you guys, but I have no idea what she's talking about.'

Swabtop blinked and said mildly, 'You speak to toads? I thought _I_ was the only one who could do that.'

I cried, 'Can everyone speak to toads, but me?'

Jack patted me on the shoulder, 'It's okay, mate. I can't speak to toads either.'

I groaned, 'Jack, I was referring to those who _matter_.'

Jack hissed, 'Your just jealous, because _you're_ a Eunuch, and I'm not!'

Arthur continued, 'I mean, come on! Who says "Thy" anymore?'

Galadriel croaked angrily.

Arthur began to speak again, but Jack quickly covered his mouth.

Jack said, 'Mate, don't anger the frog, _savvy_?' Jack pointed to his bald head.

Arthur nodded, 'Oh, right, I forgot about that...'

I said, 'To answer your question, Galadriel, I am in a "In Between" stage.'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit?'

I chuckled slightly, 'It's kind of embarrassing, I'm in the...'

I looked around and leaned close to Galadriel's ear, 'I'm in the _Mustard_ _Yellow_ stage, just don't tell anyone.'

I straightened suddenly and said, 'Anyway, can you please move off the road, Swabtop?'

Swabtop crossed his arms, and replied, 'You can't make me!'

Arthur cried, 'But I must save my people from the threat of the Ring of Power!'

Swabtop sat up, 'What Ring of Power?'

I sighed, 'A very evil Ring made of gold that we must destroy in the fires of Mount Doom!'

Arthur turned to me, 'Mount Doom! You never said we had to go any where named Mount _Doom_!'

Jack thought over this a moment, '_Mount_ _Doom_, that's catchy name, too.'

Swabtop jumped to his feet, 'By golly, I shall join you! Ever since you turned my Merry Men against me I haven't had a decent adventure yet! Oh, but is there any possibility I could steal the Ring of Power from the rich and give it to the poor?'

Merlin groaned, 'For heaven's sake, look what you've done Gandalf! Now we have a half-crazed Cloud Watcher tagging along!'

I sighed, 'Well, it is the "Funky Fellowship of the Ring In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli Gets them all Killed." We might as well live up to our name.'

Swabtop leaned towards Jack, 'What's a Gimli?'

Jack answered, 'It's a Pumpkin Flavored Elven Gum Ball... But don't spread it around, Gandalf would _kill_ for information like this.'

Swabtop nodded, 'Ahhh, highly classified... Strictly on a need to know basis.'

And with that, we, including Swabtop - who calls himself Robin Hood, continued our journey to help destroy the Ring of Power in the fires of Mount Doom. (Oh, and I've found we must refrain from speaking _Doom_ in front of King Arthur, he's very sensitive about these things. Instead, we call it Mount Lolly Pop.)

Gandalf the Grey (Actually, I'm Mustard Yellow, but remember I never said that!)

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Well, now you people know where Swabtop comes from...

WHY DIDN'T YOU GUYS TELL ME I WAS MISSING A CHAPTER, YOU UNRELIABLE HOOLIGANS!

For those of you who I new to these Letters, I accidentally left this Letter out and I got to Letter 13 before I realized I messed up... yeah... As you can see I'm very organized and on top of things...  
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	9. 9th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

What an Ent REALLY is

Elf-Boy,

I am proud to say I have not have any 'nose' accidents for a while. Usually I get into a heap load of trouble everyday because of my nose, now it's because of my silly traveling companions. Swabtop, for example, he constantly challenges my authority! Let me tell you about it.

I declared the next morning, 'Rise and Shine Sleepy Heads, we're leaving in ten minutes!'

Swabtop bolted to his feet, 'Hey! Who died and made you leader?'

I blinked, surprised.

I finally retorted, 'No one died, I killed them. _You_, actually, and besides if I was not leader, who would be?'

I pointed to the straggly half-asleep Company that dragged themselves out of their beds.

I said, 'Would the Arrogant Merlin lead you? He cares nothing, but of things that go to his own glory! Or what of King Arthur, wetting his pants at the mere mention of a name! You? You don't even know where we're going! And Galadriel, well... she's a toad! And Jack Sparrow...'

Swabtop raised his hand, 'I see your point, old man. Now let us be off, Mount Lolly Pop beckons.'

Jack managed to pull himself away from his pillow to say, '_Captain_ Jack Sparrow. _Captain_... snore!'

We mounted our horses and rode towards Mount Lolly Pop with a good speed. I was quite surprised, considering we had to stop and retrace our steps every time Merlin went tumbling from his steed, Strider. (As you can see, Aragorn has never been far from my mind.) As we went on, Swabtop challenged me again!

We were riding across the open plains when I raised my hand, signaling to stop. Merlin gasped in outrage.

He exclaimed, 'But I have not yet fallen off... Whoa!... Ouch... Little help, here?'

Swabtop demanded, 'What ails you, Gandalf?'

I frowned, 'What ails me? Why should you think something ails me? I simply think we need to turn left.'

Arthur frowned, 'Left? But Mount Lolly Pop is straight ahead, towards that great plume of deathly, fiery smoke which is most certainly destroying the ozone layer, and for that Saurman should be blamed. I'd even bet my bottom dollar that guy has an SUV!'

I shook my head, 'We are not going to Mount Lolly Pop.'

Merlin, untangling himself from his saddle, said, 'We aren't?'

I frowned, 'First we need to visit a friend in _Fangorn_ _Forest_.'

I would have left it with that stylish flare but Arthur then gave a little scream. Sounding like you, Elf-Boy, a sissy girl.

King Arthur gasped, '_Fang_orn Forest! _Fang_-orn!'

I gulped, 'Oh, sorry, slip of the tongue... I meant _Molar_-orn Forest.'

Arthur gave a sigh of relief, 'Oh, for a moment there you gave me a scare, Gandalf.'

Swabtop demanded, 'Why are we going to Fang- I mean, Molar-orn Forest?'

I replied, 'I must speak to Treebeard. And besides, my nose – it _tells_ _me_ _so_.'

Arthur gave a cry, '_Tree_beard! _Tree-_beard...! Oh, my bad... Treebeard's okay.'

Swabtop blinked, 'Your _nose_ tells you? You're kidding me, right?'

I didn't even bother to answer that question.

Jack said, 'Mate, don't doubt _The_ _Nose_. It knows, this Nose. The Nose is _All-Powerful_!'

Swabtop frowned, 'Okay... Who's Treebeard.'

I smiled, 'It's more of a question of _what_ Treebeard is, not _who_.'

Swabtop sighed, 'Fine then, _what_ is Treebeard?'

I declared, 'He is an Ent!' And with that I rode towards the setting sun.

Swabtop blinked, 'An Ent? What's an Ent?'

As Jack rode past him, he whispered, 'It's a fancy name for a Eunuch, mate.'

Now we are heading towards Molar-orn Forest. I guess we won't be meeting up with you as I had originally planed.

Gandalf the Super-Nosed Grey

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Will Gandalf and the Funky Fellowship ever meet up with Legolas? Or will their stupidity get them killed beforehand?

Sorry it's a short Letter - the next one shall be longer... or, at least it will be more pointless.  
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	10. 10th Letter

Okay, for those of you who weren't paying attention earlier... 

Swabtop is short for Mr. _Slightly Blue with a Tinge of Purple _tights. Normaly, this long title would have formed the name: **Sbwa**top - but the Funky Fellowship decided that didn't make any sense, and so they named him Swabtop.

Basically Swabtop is the reincarnated form of Robin Hood. (Only his tights aren't green anymore.)

* * *

**  
The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

Sun Glare, Space and Bubbling Action

Dear Little Princeling,

Ahhh... how _cute_! Legolas, you never told me you were a little _princeling_! Perhaps if you had worn a crown, or maybe a Name Tag, I probably would have figured it out sooner. I, however, have not been fooling you about my identity in the least! I am Just Plain Gandalf. (Or Gandalf Greyhame, or even Gandalf Stormcrow. Ha! Not even _I_ am named after some stupid plant, Legolas _Greenleaf_!)

Anyway, I was fully planning on taking the Funky Fellowship of the Ring In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli Gets them all Killed to Molar-orn Forest when I remembered something. Trees and Ents never forget. (Which I think is a bit odd considering Trees and Ents have no brains and therefore can never remember.) Suffice it to say, if _I_ brought Merlin, Jack Sparrow and all the others into their mist, I doubt they would ever forgive me.

It's the Elves whom are to blame! Silly Legolas and his little Elven friends. Waking up the trees and teaching them to talk. Bah! Couldn't leave them well alone, now could you? Had to wake them up, now, didn't you?

Oh well, Elves _are_ immortal after all. You had to have _some_ sort of hobby. Anyway, I have decided to forget about Molar-orn forest. My nose may be mad at me, but if is for the best.

I turned to the rest of the Company, 'I have decided we are not going to Molar-orn Forest!'

Swabtop blinked, 'Why?'

I blushed, 'It's called "_Appearances_", but anyway...'

Jack sat up straighter, 'Oh I see, you didn't want to bring along the famous _Captain_ Jack Sparrow. I understand quite completely, you wouldn't want to put those poor trees into a frizzle all about me coming. Trees are delicate creators, can't put them under too much strain or they fall over. That's when you get to yell, _TIMBER_!'

I blinked, 'Right... Instead we shall be going to the summit of Barad-Dûr, where the Great Eye watches ceaselessly!'

Arthur frowned, 'Bear-a-Dung? Never mind, I can't say it... Where is this summit?'

I pointed towards the great fiery smoke over Mordor and Mount Doom.

I said, 'Somewhere over there.'

Arthur clapped his hands, 'Yeah! Mount Lolly Pop, here we come!'

Swabtop suddenly said, 'Wait a minute! An eye can't watch _ceaselessly._'

I asked annoyed, 'And why not?'

Swabtop said, 'Well, it has to _blink_, now, doesn't it!'

Murmurs of agreement went through the Funky Fellowship. Even Galadriel gave an agreeing croak.

I sighed, 'Well, _this_ Eye does _not_ blink. Besides this Eye doesn't even have an eye-lid!'

Merlin folded his arms, 'How can an eye not have an eye-lid?'

I paused and thought over this a moment. I hummed and hawed and finally...

I said, 'Well, I guess we'll just have to ask It when we get to Mount Lolly Pop, now won't we?'

At least, I _thought_ we were heading towards Mount Lolly Pop. As we rode through the valley we were attacked by the Ring Wraiths, Black Riders! Somehow the Eye must have heard of us coming to destroy the Ring of Power. (Though I can't blame It, who could miss us, the Funky Fellowship of the Ring In Case that Stupid Legolas/Gimli Gets them all Killed?)

Swabtop demanded, 'Who are these guys!'

I shouted, 'You cannot kill them! Run!'

We jolted forward and Merlin shouted, 'We have not yet even been introduced and already you are speaking of killing them!'

Captain Jack Sparrow said, with the first bit of intelligence all day, 'I think they are Bad Guys.'

Arthur shouted to me, 'Why can't we kill them!'

I yelled, 'Because... They're already dead!'

Arthur blinked, 'That's totally not cool.'

Jack thought over this a moment and said, 'Sounds like my old crew... Maybe if we offered them some pumpkins? Do dead people like pumpkins?'

Merlin shouted at me, 'Do you take me for an invalid, Gandalf!'

At first I did not understand what the cheapskate of a wizard was talking about.

I echoed, 'Invalid? That's very good Merlin! That word's a whole three syllables!'

Merlin growled and ignored my comment, 'Dead people don't ride horses!'

I retorted, 'Dead people also don't wear slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights, either, but I don't hear Swabtop complaining!'

Arthur shouted, 'Gandalf, hand me Excalibur!'

I put my hand protectively over the battered, broken sword in my pack, 'My roaster?'

Arthur commanded, 'Yes! Hand it here!'

I did as he asked and then watched in amazement as the sword began to glow blue. It reminded me of Frodo's Elven sword that also glowed blue when Orcs were near. A slight odor washed over us and I knew King Arthur was performing some kind of magic. (At first I thought it was Enchiladas and Chile Cheese Dogs, but I knew that couldn't be right.) Before I could get a closer look at Arthur's handy work, Arthur gave a Zena like war-cry and sent the sword hurtling towards the Riders.

I gave a said sigh, 'Goodbye, my faithful and most loyal Roaster.'

Then the sword blew up like a nuclear war head and blew up most of the Black Riders with it. Only three were left.

I blinked, 'I didn't know it could do that.'

Merlin mumbled under his breath, 'But you certainly knew how to break it!'

I sighed, 'Will you ever get over that?'

Merlin hissed with conviction, 'Never!'

Jack shouted, 'Hey! I know! We can scare off the Black Dudes with our singing!'

Arthur raised an eyebrow, 'Beg pardon?'

I growled, 'I'm a wizard, not a minstrel!'

But Jack had set his mind to his plan. He forced us to unmount our steeds and then we were told to hold hand and form a circle. In this way we come also perform the Can-Can, and thus scaring off the Riders even more by showing off our hairy man legs.

We all began to do the Can-Can.

Jack said, 'If I have been marooned on an island with you fellows, boy, I would have been able to rope me an _army_ of Sea Turtles.'

Arthur gave me a queer look, but I simple said, 'Watch it Your Highness, you're treading on Galadriel.'

Jack commanded, 'Sing Gandalf!'

I looked back, the Riders were getting nearer, 'Why me?'

Jack just glared at me.

I thought desperately, 'But they're out of hearing range!'

The all shouted, 'JUST SING!'

I growled, 'Fine but don't laugh. I'll sing it softly...'

_Gil-galad was an Elven-king._

(Probably one of your dead cousins, Legolas.)

_Of him the harpers sadly sing:_

(What do you expect, he _was_ an elf – they're not the cheery type.)

_the last whose realm was fair and free_

(Wizards don't need realms, we're fair and free naturally)

_between the Mountains and the Sea._

_His sword was long, his lance was keen, _

(Got a sword... is it even possible for a lance to be keen?)

_his shining helm afar was seen;_

(Ouch, Sun glare!)

_the countless stars of heaven's field_

(We call that Space for short, the space between an Elf's ears! hehehe)

_were mirrored in his silver shield._

(I wish _I_ had a silver shield! But someone, not to be mentioned coughLegolascough stole it!)

_But long ago he rode away,_

(Who can blame him? Elves are _so_ dreadfully depressing.)

_and where he dwelleth none can say;_

(In other words we lost him, kind of like the Entwives – sad business that is.)

_for into darkness fell his star_

(Elves have too many stars, Star of Eërendil, the Elven Star...)

_in Mordor where the shadows are._

(And an Eye with no eye-lid!)

Swabtop sniffled, 'Oh, Gandalf... That was sooo sad.'

I said, 'Sam, a fat hobbit I know, taught it to me. He learned it from Bilbo Baggins.'

Another sniffle from someone, I couldn't see, my eyes were also full of tears.

The voice said, 'Sniffle Poor, sob, King Gilly-glad! Boo hoo!'

I patted the man on the shoulder, 'It's okay!'

We all sobbed for a moment, until I started to smell rot. I held my nose.

I shouted, 'Whoo! Someone pass the New & Improved (Lighter mist fragrances whole room!) Glade®: Odor Neutralizer Spray! Which, I might add, is also effective against tobacco smoke! (Keep out of reach of children, sorry, that means you too, Legolas.)'

The man said, 'Oh, sorry, that would be me.'

I looked up and to my surprise, I realized I had just embraced a Ring Wraith. Did I dare move? How _do_ you kill someone who's already dead?

Jack also saw the Ring Wraith, (actually Ring Wraith_s_, there were three of them.) he gasped, 'You're dead!'

Ring Wraith #1 said, 'Yes...'

Ring Wraith #2 added, 'For quite a long time, actually.'

Ring Wraith #3 said aloud, 'It's not a lot of fun, being dead.'

Ring Wraith #1 turned to his partner, 'Quite right, dear chap.'

Ring Wraith #2 nodded, 'Ohh... and our rotting flesh smells _soo_ awful after awhile.'

Ring Wraith #1 sighed, 'Yeah, just try to take a _shower_ when your skin is falling off.'

Ring Wraith #3 nodded in agreement, 'Rotting skin _totally_ clogs the drain. I've tried Drain-o, _everything_!'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Have you tried Scrubbing Bubbles®, as you've probably guessed, it has Bubbling Action! Very efficient.'

Soon the Ring Wraiths become enwrapped in their unclogging discussion and I found our chance to escape. I motioned to Funky Fellowship and we quietly tip toed through the tall grass of the valley and over a hill.

Jack whispered, 'Friendly, evil Ring Wraiths, weren't they? For Eunuchs, anyway...'

We tip toed faster and soon we heard the outraged cries of the Ring Wraiths behind us.

Ring Wraith #1 exclaimed, 'Where'd that stupid old man with the big nose wander off to?'

Ring Wraith #2 whirled around, 'Yeah, and that guy who kept on asking if I was a Eunuch, where's he?'

I growled in a whisper, 'I don't have a big nose! I'm big-boned.'

Merlin hissed, 'That's all very nice, considering your nose is made out of _cartilage_.'

I retorted, 'Wizards have naturally big cartilage.'

The Ring Wraiths cried, 'There they are!'

Arthur replied, 'AAAAAAAAAAAHHH! This is totally sooo not cool! - pause – _Eat me last!_'

Ring Wraith #3 blinked, 'We're not going to eat you, why would we eat you?'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Yeah, you filthy humans...'

I cleared my throat loudly.

Ring Wraith #2 sighed, '..._and wizards_, probably taste nasty.'

Ring Wraith #1 said, 'I ate a human once... tasted like chicken.'

Ring Wraith #3 thought for a moment, 'I've been dead for some long I've forgotten what chicken tastes like.'

Ring Wraith #2 shrugged, 'I guess we could nibble on the screaming one...'

King Arthur, Lord of Camelot, fainted into Merlin's arms. Merlin rolled his eyes.

He said, annoyed, 'I thought _I_ was the one who was supposed to do that.'

Jack whimpered, 'Are you sure you wouldn't rather eat some sausage?'

I didn't wait any longer. For a several large eagles swooped down and grabbed us.

Jack said after a moment, 'Interesting, giant flying birds of prey...'

Galadriel croaked. Swabtop translated, ' "Where'd these things come from?" '

I smiled and opened my hand to release a moth named Flitter, 'I may not be able speak to Horny Toads, but I _can_ speak to Moths.'

Swabtop looked at me, 'You're telling me, a bunch of m_oths_ ordered these eagles to come and save us?'

I shrugged, 'Hey, I'm messenger boy, not a delivery boy.'

Merlin rolled his eyes, 'Idiot Grey wizards...'

I hissed under my breath, 'That's idiot _Mustard Yellow_ wizards, to you!'

Gandalf the Grey (Mustard Yellow!)

P.S. I have discovered the location of Mirkwood. If you start in Rhudaur, in the city of Rivendell, cross through the mountains by way of Old Forest Road, and the cross the great river Anduin, you would enter Rhovanion (also known as Wilderland). Within Rhovanion is the Mirkwood forest. If you are still confused... (and no doubt you are with that little Elven brain...) If you keep going on the Old Forest Road through the forest of Mirkwood and then cross the River Running (I'm guessing an Elf named _that_ river), you would reach Esgaroth, also known as the Mounts of Mirkwood. Follow the River Running a bit North, and you will reach Erebor. (The Lonely Mountain.) However, if you went South on the River Running, you would go into the land of Rhûn, and enter the Sea of Rhûn. Now, if you don't enter the River Running at all, and instead stay on the great river, Anduin, going North, you would find yourself in the Northern Waste, near Mount Gundabad in the mountain range of Ered Mithrin. These are also called the Grey Mountains. (My home away from home.) However, if you went South on the great river Anduin you would pass the Gladden Fields, Dimrill Dale, Dol Guldur, go straight past the Field of Celebrant, go through the Brown Lands, go past the Dead Marshes and Dagorlad (the Battle Plain), then pass through Rauros Lake, Mindalf, Mordor, S. Ithilien, Lebennin, go straight through Harondor (also known as South Gondor) and you would then enter the Bay of Belfalas. Now, let it be known. This little trip on the great river Anduin is a little more over 900 miles, so it's not like a walk in the park. I hope, now, you know where Northern Mirkwood is.

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Personally, I think Gandalf should have looked it up on MapQuest...

So, we've finally met the three Ring Wraiths! And discovered a few things about them that we really didn't want to know. Find out what Gandalf and the Funky Fellowship discover next in Gandalf's next Letter: _The Fifth Essential Food Group, and I don't mean sausage!_

**lupin-sirius-luva:** Winne the Pooh... interesting... hehehe

**gandalf -dumbledore -obi-wan:** Thanks for all the LOVELY reviews! You win a gold star! Sorry, I already gave my six foot star away... but yours comes with a sticky back side so you can stick it on your forehead! Yea!

For those of you who don't know, you win gold stars by reviewing to ALL the chapters. So, do you know what this means?  
**  
Legolas's Girl 9:** Guess what? You win a gold star, too! But I already gave away my six foot star and the star with the sticky back side... but yours has a pin so you can wear it on your shirt! And if you get skilled enough you can reflect the light off the highly reflective gold surface and BLIND PEOPLE! Yea!

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	11. 11th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

The Fifth Essential Food Group, and I don't mean sausage!

Legolas,

I ended my last letter with flying through the air with the eagles. To be sure, our adventure did not end there, and we still had a few Ring Wraith problems, but I _was_ kind of running out of paper. Hey, I'm a wizard, not Office Max! Anyway, we were flying with the eagles...

Swabtop shouted over the wind, 'So, where are they taking us!'

I shouted back, 'I have absolutely no idea! Does it look like I speak eagle!'

King Arthur had finally awaken, only he had sort of gone into a state of shook, 'Whhheeeeeeeeeeeeee!'

Merlin growled, 'Quite you oaf!' - WHACK – 'That's better...'

The eagles flew quickly, and I felt like I was being blasted in the face with a blow dryer. Except the air wasn't that hot. Finally the eagles got tried of carrying us, which was probably due to the fact that Jack sang 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall, all the way through, three times. I, for one, never hope to ever hear about another bottle of beer on the wall ever again. (It figures, a pirate _would_ sing about beer, wouldn't he?) So, anyway, once Jack had started the fourth round, the eagles – with a ear-splitting screech - let go of us.

Being let go by an eagle while flying 10,000 feet above the ground is not a pleasant experience. Fortunately, several burial mounds softened our fall. (Along with the parachute we made out of Swabtop tights – he says now they're soo stretched out they'll never fit again. But that's okay, he carries a spare.)

Arthur took this moment to wake up, 'Why am I covered in slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights?'

I, who had done a graceful face-plant, spit the numerous leaves, grass blades, and dirt out of my mouth, 'Ahh... The ground...'

I raised my head, 'Oh look, Simbelmynë.'

Swabtop, furiously putting on a new pair of tights, echoed, 'Symbol-Nimble... What?'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit croak ribbit!'

Merlin rubbed his head, 'She says it's a flower that covers burial mounds.'

Jack dug through the Simbelmynë, looking for his hat, 'Ahh... so that would explain these conveniently placed mini-hills.'

I could almost jump for joy, 'That would also explain where the eagles were taking us! We are on the doorstep of the Golden Hall of King Théoden! Well, it may not be the summit of Barad-Dûr, but at least I know where we are. Not to say I _wouldn_'t know where we were if we _weren't _on the doorstep of the Golden Hall of King Théoden – but...'

Arthur suddenly squeaked and jumped to his feet, 'That also means we're standing on a tomb!'

Merlin glared at him, 'For goodness sake, it's not like they're going to pop up and give you a violation ticket.'

Arthur's eyes rolled into the back of his head and he fell in a dead faint, but not before uttering, 'We have entered the Valley of Dispare. This is totally not cool.'

Picking twigs out of my beard, I congratulated him, 'Why, Arthur, you never told me you spoke in literary allusions. I speak in riddles, myself. That was out of Palsm 23... I think. Unless you count that 'not cool' part - not quite sure where that comes from.'

Jack suddenly gave a cry of triumph. We all looked at him.

Swabtop demanded, 'What is it?'

Jack held it up for all to see, 'Found my hat!'

Merlin grumbled, 'Yeah, keep your shiny bald head from blinding us to death.'

There was a long silence.

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop patted her slightly, 'Don't worry, I didn't get it either.'

Jack then asked, 'Hey mate, do they have rum at this Golden Hall?'

I smiled at him, 'At the Golden Hall, rum is considered one of the five essential food groups. Yo ho!'

Even Merlin perked up, 'A _whole_ food group?' - he dashed toward the fort – 'If rum's a food group, I can't wait to see what Root Beer is considered!'

I stood up and brushed off my coat, 'Of course, at the Golden Hall we'll finally get a decent meal. You can only eat so many roasted potatoes...'

Jack paused, 'I wonder if they serve sausages... or maybe pumpkins...?'

We arrived at the fort, and I knew we weren't going to be served anything, much less rum and sausages. To my great displeasure, Grima Wormtongue blocked the entrance of the Golden Hall. He smiled when he saw me and my stomach dropped down to the tip of my beard. What was the snake up to now?

Jack frowned slightly, 'What a slimy looking fellow...'

Merlin wrinkled his nose, 'Oh dear, I hope the cooks don't look like him. That man is far from sanitary!

Probably get all that greasy hair in my soup – yucky!'

I tugged at my beard, 'Sanitary – Four syllables already, Merlin?'

Before Merlin could say anything else, Swabtop stepped forward, 'I shall deal with him.'

I stood off to the side, 'This should be interesting.'

Swabtop walked up to Wormtongue and demanded, '**Who are you!**'

Wormtongue blinked, 'Wait a minute, shouldn't I be the one asking that?'

Swabtop went on, 'Are you deaf, or just plain stupid? Who are you?'

Wormtongue stood straighter, 'I am Grima Wormtongue.'

Swabtop blinked, 'That's a very worser name than Swabtop!'

Almost choking on the overpowering Simbelmynë, I sneezed.

Wormtongue gasped, 'Excuse me, is 'worser' even a word...?' - haphooOOOOMMMPPPHHsizzle

Wormtongue was gone, or more precisely was reduced to a pile of sizzling ashes. Also, the Simbelmynë smell was gone as well and I breathed in the fresh air. Unfortunately Jack happened to be breathing in my direction so I went into another coughing fit.

Swabtop blinked, 'Where'd he go?'

I scratched the back of my neck and looked down, 'Oh dear, not again...'

Swabtop stepped back, 'Well, he's certainly a fast little fellow. I'll give him that.'

I tapped his shoulder, 'Umm... Swabtop.' - I pointed towards his feet.

Swabtop said, 'Ohhhh... I was gonna say, I didn't even see him leave... '

I shrugged, 'About time, too. He always did annoy me.' And I walked into the Golden Hall of Théoden, past the ashes of Grima Wormtongue.

Jack whispered to Swabtop as he past him, 'The Nose, mate. It's _The NOSE_. Beware of The Nose!'

Swabtop said, 'Jack, you drink too much rum – I think you've been permanently intoxicated.'

Then Swabtop looked at the fort and gasped.

Before Jack could enter, Swabtop grabbed his shoulder, 'Jack, the Golden Hall! It's a castle!'

Jack blinked, 'Well mate, he is a King.' - His eyes widened. - 'Yo Ho! What if he's a Eunuch King! Oh my rum-tummies! A _eunuch_, at the_ reins_ of a _country!_ Sad times these are...'

Swabtop protested, 'But it was a dinky fort! Now it's a castle! We aren't where we were before...'

I shouted, 'Come, Swabtop! Hey look, pink tapestries. Obviously Saruman at work.'

Merlin began to follow then gasped, 'Oh my goodness! We forgot King Arthur! We left him on the burial mound!'

Jack patted his arm, 'Just leave him, when he wakes up he'll think he's in a graveyard and wet his pants! snicker'

Merlin gasped in outrage. Swabtop smiled, 'Don't worry, we'll put out some sausage for him.'

That night we ate a decent meal, mostly because I made sure Théoden didn't lay eyes on us. Something is wrong with him, to be sure. Considering the Golden Hall is now the Pink-Rose-Scented Hall. But I did like the standing suits of armor. Merlin kept worring about weather 'those poor knights could even breathe, standing so stiffly in full body armor!'

That night, I awoke to a high-pitched screaming which ended with a sobbing, 'Mommy! I had a Accident...!' - silence - 'Oh look, _sausage_!'

Jack and Swabtop snickered the rest of the night, which was equally annoying, so – WHACK – and they were silent the rest of the evening. I guess Merlin is good for _some_ things.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. Don't worry, I'll get to the Ring Wraiths in my next letter. Fortunately we didn't run into them for yet another week. Probably experimenting on what would unclog their drains. I have my doubts about that _Bubbling Action_.

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Oh dear! Not pink _tapestries!_  
Has Saruman really gone Decorating-Martha Stewart mad? Or is there some other crazy occurrence in the making? And if there is, do we REALLY want to know...?

**Alright! Listen up my beautiful readers and reviewers!**  
I've decided to lay down a few things right now. I know some of you have given me suggestions and have yet to see them appear in any of the Letters. The reason for this (_and you would know if you had already read my profile!_) is that I originally wrote these Letters for a friend. When I started putting these Letters here, on fanfiction, I already had **20** written. That's right, **twenty!** So, if you don't see your suggestions don't freak out! I'm working them all in. I guess I should explain what kind of suggestions would be best: _anywhere_ you want Gandalf to go, _anyone_ you want Gandalf to meet, anyone you're just dying to see on the _Funky Fellowship of the Ring_, and _anything_ you want Gandalf or the Fumky Fellowship members to do!

If you're still confused, go talk to **Nota Lone** – she's definitely got it down. A special thanks goes to her for all the suggestions she's thrown my way. In fact, she's wins her own personalized **_FUNKY FELLOWSHIP_** mug! That's right **Nota Lone**, you can drink coffee out of it and throw it at people who annoy you _at the same time!_ YEA! Oh – and you're still eligible to win a bizarre variation of a gold star... so keep reviewing!

**crazyrabidfangurl**: What's a mellon nin? (Apparently I'm one of them!)

**Hyperactive Forever**: I'm glad you like my crazy eagles and awesome stuff, but you must be warned... there's more to come!

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	12. 12th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

Hair Care for the Modern Wizard

Dear Legolas,

Dark times are approaching. I have heard of Saruman's hold over the land, but never have actually seen it's presence. It is almost down right _wrong_, how dare that White Wizard try to hid information from me. We've been friends for like, what? 300 years? Oh my beardy! Has it been _3,021 years_ already? Well, suffice it to say, Saruman and I have quite a history together. One would think he would value his friends, such as myself, over an Eye without even an eyelid to its name. (Okay, so maybe he has a giant army of darkness and terror... But we wizards have to stick together!) As I was saying, Saruman has crossed to the Dark Side – or should I say _Pink_ Side - and has taken Théoden's mind prisoner.

I announced when I awoke, 'We are going to see the King!'

Merlin rolled out of bed, 'It's...' - looks at his sundial – 'You crazy wizard! It's not yet past five in the morning!'

As I thumped Swabtop and Jack awake I retorted, 'The early bird catches the worm, and besides we don't even have an appointment so we need to be early! I don't want to stand in line!'

Before appearing before a King, it is usually customary to dress up a bit. I had no other clothes other than my Grey, or mustard-yellow, robes, so I decided I would do something with my hair. At first I tried HERBAL ESSENCES INTENSIVE BLENDS (which has a totally touchable organic experience), unfortunately every time I opened the bottle all these -"Yes! _Yes! Ohh yes!_" girlie, female voices came out, and that sounded very weird when coming from a shower stall with a old man inside, so I decided not to use that. Next, I looked at HEAD AND SHOULDERS. I found this a very odd shampoo, I don't know about you elves – but wizards don't get shoulder hair. Thinking on that, I placed it in my sack for the next time we met. Finally I found something called NEUTROGENA, it was also a NEUTROGENA: BODY WASH – two in one! How could an intelligent wizard like me pass up a bargain like that?

After I had finished washing my hair, I played with the idea of dying it. Jack suggested neon green, but I didn't think it matched with my Grey. I finally chose to get silver highlights. It's all the rage now days according to Swabtop, but I don't suggest you get any Legolas. It may damage your sensitive scalp.

Now that my hair was 'boyishly light' I braided my beard to finish my formal look. As Merlin collapsed laughing and I looked in the mirror, I realized I looked like an Indian Chief wanna-be. Either that, or something out of a My Disney Princess magazine. The fact that my little braided beard was tied of with a pink ribbon did not help the matter.

After examining myself in the mirror, I concluded I wanted to impress King Théoden, not scare him. This being so, I removed my braids and instead tied back my hair elven style.

By this time Merlin, Jack and Swabtop were up and about, shuffling around the corridors and searching for coffee. King Arthur, however, was no where to be found. But we did find some half eat sausages out in the graveyard.

Anyway, I then turned my attention to Jack. One did not wear a hat in the presence of a king. (Even the elves know that!) Now, as you know from my precious letters, Jack doesn't have, how do I put this? He doesn't really have a head of hair. In fact, not even a short stubble has grown since Galadriel got her revenge. Well, we couldn't let a bald Captain appear in front of the King! So, once again, it was up to I, Gandalf the Grey/Mustard-Yellow, to save the day. At first, we attempted to rub Jack's shinny head with charcoal we had gotten. (Actually, finding the charcoal was an adventure in it's self. But, being a wizard, I knew the lay out of many castles and fortresses. It only took my nose and a fly-swatter to locate them. But I shall not go into details...) This didn't really work, but the charcoal _was _great eye-liner. So, with that being a failure, we cut a sort of circle shape from one of the fur capes we found in a well polished, gold trimmed wardrobe. Then Swabtop, who was already very skilled at mending tights, sowed it together to make a toupee. Merlin slapped it on Jack's head and we stood back to admire the effect. Well, perhaps if the fake fur fabric wasn't _pink_... So that didn't work either. Finally, we went out side a scooped a bunch of mud into a chamber pot. (A _clean_ chamber pot – don't worry. It's the elves who are stupid, not the wizards.) We also collected twigs, leaves and grass clumps and even found a few pumpkins. Then, once back in the room, we mixed it with the left over charcoal to turn it black. We dumped it on Jack's head. But first we colored the twigs, leaves and grass clumps and pumpkin pieces black with fountain pens. I had always wondered way they were called that – I found out today. Well, we then stuck the colored twigs, leaves and grass clumps and pumpkin pieces in the mud on Jack's head. Well, the mud kept falling off – so Merlin lit Jack's head on fire to make it dry faster. The end effect was utterly dreadfully, but since Jack's hair looked utterly dreadful to begin with, it worked out fine. Except it wouldn't stop smoldering... (Of course, we added a few flowers to it. Smoking twigs, leaves and grass clumps and pumpkin pieces are not very pleasant.)

We started to head forwards the King's chambers, but Jack stopped us.

Jack said, 'What about Merlin? He's bald too.'

Merlin gasped in outrage, 'Bald! _How dare you!_ That's "slightly thinning" to you, buster!'

I added with finality, 'Yo ho!'

Swabtop stepped in, 'Merlin, you put sun screen on your head so you don't burn. Face it, you're bald.'

Merlin paused and thought for a moment, 'It's... lotion!' - pause - 'What? I chap easily.'

Jack folded his arms and gave Merlin THE LOOK.

Merlin folded his arms right back at Jack, 'Fine! So I'm bald. But at least I'm bald with dignity!'

Jack narrowed his eyes, 'Are you saying I'm not dignified?'

Merlin snorted, '_Of course not_. I just say "calling everyone you meet a Eunuch" is undignified.'

Jack nodded, 'Oh, okay then.'

Swabtop shook his head, 'He's referring to you, Jack.'

Jack blinked and then shouted, 'I don't call everyone a Eunuch!'

Merlin added, 'You even called _me_ a Eunuch!'

Jack replied, 'I did not call you a Eunuch!'

Merlin cried, 'Did too!'

Jack, 'Did not!'

Merlin, 'Did too!'

Jack, 'Did not!'

Merlin, 'Yes, you did!'

Jack, 'No, I didn't! I'd never! To call _you _a Eunuch would be an insult to all Eunuchs everywhere! You're beyond Eunuch! You're a... umm... you're a...'

Merlin demanded, 'A-what?'

Jack shouted with conviction, 'A Gimli! You are a Gimli! Savvy?'

Merlin blinked, 'I'm a what?'

But Jack didn't answer. Throwing his head and nose - high in the air, he proceeded to exit the room. Unfortunately, holding his head up in the air impaired his vision so he missed the door and ran into a wall.

I suggested, 'Try your right.'

And that he did. And tripped over a chair and did a face plant.

I sighed, 'Your other right, Jack...'

Swabtop sighed, 'At least his hair didn't fall off.'

Gandalf the Grey – with silver highlights!

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Will Gandalf's meeting with the King be a success? Will Merlin ever convince anyone that he's only "slightly thinning"? _Will these Letters ever get a plot?_  
Find out in... the NEXT ONE! (Insert dramatic music here.)

Hey people, it's my goal to get an insane amount of reviews to match the insanity of this story. What's the best way to get other unsuspecting victims to look at this?

**Legolas's Girl 9**: Barney... awesome...

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	13. 13th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder – so is a STY

Dear Little Princling,

We never got to see the King, in fact we didn't even get any rum, or to Jack's dismay, any sausage either. But we did find out that Merlin puts funny things in his eyes. We also ran into a new... person. I wouldn't call him a friend. If he _was_ a friend he would be the kind of friend you never showed anyone, and if somebody asked you who he was you would say you'd never met him in your entire life. The fact that he's insane doesn't much help the matter. Legolas, I thought I knew mad when I met Captain Jack Sparrow the crazed pirate, but this is the next level of insane. Jack was Ridiculous, but this guy is Ludicrous! It started like this...

We were just leaving the room when Merlin suddenly cried out in pain.

Merlin, 'Ouchy!'

Swabtop sighed, 'Now what?'

Merlin rubbed his eye, 'Oh, nothing. I just have a sty in my eye.'

Jack, forgetting to be mad, turned and echoed, 'Stein?'

Merlin shook his head, 'No, sty! S-T-Y, sty.'

I thought over this a moment and frowned. Puzzled I scratched my head, wondering how Merlin could have a _sty_, of all things, in his eye.

Swabtop blinked, 'What's a sty?'

I opened my mouth to answer his question, but Jack clamped his hand over my mouth.

Jack hissed, 'You think that wise, mate? Remember what happened last time you started defining things?'

I pulled away, 'It's a enclosure for swine! There, now that wasn't too bad, now was it?'

There was a silence.

Jack scratched his muddy head, 'What's a swine?'

I sighed, 'Swine – any of the ungulate mammals of the family Suidae.'

There was an awkward silence.

Jack blinked, 'That didn't help one bit, mate.'

Merlin rolled his eyes, 'Pigs, he means pigs.'

Jack gave a sigh of relief, 'Oh, pigs. I know what they are, I most assuredly do.'

Swabtop frowned, 'So what you're saying is, there's a pig in your eye?'

Jack blinked again, 'Okay, now my head is starting to hurt.'

I rolled my eyes, 'Not a pig, an enclosure for pigs. Or, any other filthy place.'

Galadriel croaked, 'Ribbit croaky.'

Swabtop translated, ' "No wonder his eye hurts." '

Merlin shouted, 'I do not have an enclosure for pigs in my eye!'

Jack scratched his beard, 'What's ungulate?'

I replied to Merlin, 'Well, that's what you just said.'

Swabtop piped in, 'Hey – are we going to stand here arguing about what's in Merlin's eye or are we...'

Suddenly King Arthur popped through the window and sprawled out on the floor, breathing like a winded hippopotamus. He was covered in mud, little sausage bits, and looked like he had sat on a squished pumpkin.

Arthur gasped out, 'Mad knight!'

I said, 'Yes, I'm sure you did have a mad night considering you were left out in a graveyard.'

Swabtop and Jack began to whistle and twiddle their thumbs.

Arthur shook his head, 'Not _night_, knight! As in Knights of the Round Table!'

Jack blinked, 'Round table, why not square? Or oval? I know - fuchsia!'

Merlin cried in frustration, 'Fuchsia is a color you stupid pirate!'

Jack gasped, 'I know that, Mr. Sty-in-the-Eye! There's nothing like fuchsia to brighten up a table...'

I shouted, 'Quiet! What crazy knight?'

Suddenly a voice cried from outside the window, 'Come out here ya yellow-bellied wipper-snapper! Fight me like a _woman_!'

Arthur gasped, '_That_ crazy knight.'

The company dashed to the window.

Swabtop blinked, 'Do knights usually run around in their underwear...?'

Jack finished, '...on a _donkey_?'

The knight, as Arthur said, was without a doubt mad! In his pink poka-dotted boxer shorts, he strutted about on his worn out old donkey like a peacock. I noticed his armor, more like rusty plates hammered together, creaked as his bounced around. He was definitely old, and his knobby little knees shook about as bad as the donkey, which I'm sure had arthritis. His knee socks, pink and green, were filthy like he had been running around in a sty. The feathers out of his helmet were actually spoons for heaven sake!

The knight shouted, 'Have at you!'

Merlin yelled down, 'Why do you tell us to fight like women?'

The knight shouted, 'Let us make hay while the sun shines!'

I blinked, 'What is that supposed to mean?'

Three servants ran up to the crazy knight. The knight waved his sword at them, but they ducked and managed to pull the knight from his donkey. One looked up at us, a young woman.

She cried, 'Please, don't take offense! He's been this way ever since the death of his wife!'

Jack shouted, 'Don't worry, love, no offense taken.' He smiled down at the girl, Merlin hit him over the head.

Swabtop shouted, 'Is he drunk or just plain mad?'

She sighed, 'I'm afraid his lordship is just plain mad, sir.'

Swabtop blinked, 'Lordship? The crazy man?'

The girl frowned, 'This is his castle, his grandfather built it – how could you not know this and be his guest?'

I blinked, 'We're not in the Golden Hall of King Théoden?'

The girl blinked, 'King _who_?'

Swabtop shouted, 'Haha! I told you we weren't in the stupid fort anymore!'

Merlin wined, 'Does this mean rum isn't a main food group?'

Jack gasped, 'Mates, how am I going to restock my sausage supply?'

Arthur, who had finally got a look at the room, shouted down to the girl, 'What's with all the pink?'

She shrugged, 'Pink is a calming color.'

The servants left, dragging their insane lord out of sight. He was still babbling about hay.

After that, we realized something had gone horribly wrong. We left our room, not bothering to fix up anyone else's appearance because we were only going to see an insane knight, and searched for the hall. Once we found it we saw the insane knight looking much saner in new clean pink clothes, pants included. This was definitely no Golden Hall of King Théoden. I attempted to explain our quest to the knight, but interruptions from Jack, who kept wanting to know where the kitchen was, slowed things up. I finally was able to explain that we were attempting to get to the summit of Barad-Dûr, and we had an interesting conversation that was soon interrupted by the Three Ring Wraiths.

Gandalf the Grey

P.S. I guess insane people attract. My nose must have sensed I was traveling with a group of mad company and so brought us to this mad place during my sneezing fit.

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Crazy knights in pink underwear? WHEN WILL IT END?  
Hopefully no time soon! ;)

Sorry I haven't updated in a while. School's been a real drag now that the end is approaching. Especially since all of our teachers are giving us 'last moment' tests.

**RMC**: I'm glad you liked it. Don't worry, they will finally meet up with Legolas... but not for a very VERY long time. And I mean very long. I'll give you a preview, though:

_Legolas said, "You have my bow."_

_Gimli stepped forward, "And my ax!"_

_Jack cried, "And my sausage! ... Wait, what are we talking about?"_

_The original fellowship, including my past self, stared at us with a mixture of disbelief and horror. Legolas was stuttering, obviously trying to use his small elven brain to make sense of the situation and failing. Elrond, looking strangely like a fish, dropped his mouth open and made a sort of gasping noise that reminded me of a yak._

_Someone how we had managed to travel back in time and place... and this time my Nose had nothing to do with it!_

_Merlin turned on the English assassin standing on my right, "What did you _do?

_Bond-James blinked, "I wasn't aware my watch could do that..."_

**Light of Imlaris**: I LOVE YOU! That was _totally AWESOME_! "Oh yeah baby, grow that manly stubble!" OMG, I couldn't stop laughing! Send me another one!

glares at all other readers- How come _you people_ didn't send me a Legolas Reply? Huh? _Huh?_  
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	14. 14th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

Celebrities, Asthma and Millhole Men

Legolas,

I think I should warn you, this is probably the longest letter I have written. And now that I look back upon it, it's also probably the most stupid. But I had a lot of paper and it was either "Write a letter to Legolas" or "Sing campfire songs with Merlin." Hmm... tough decision... Besides, the postage service here costs an arm and a leg – so it's much easier to send in bulk.

I think Swabtop likes attention, and Galadriel has gone mute. She hasn't said much of anything since we've met Don Quixote. Yes, the crazy knight who wears pink. He's French, which the english King Arthur says explains everything. Anyway, Galadriel hasn't said much of anything. I count my blessings, and I hope she hasn't smothered under my hat. Occasionally she peeps out to tell us we need a bath, but other than that you would think she'd disappeared.

Also, I never knew tights were such long burners. Swabtop should go into business – Long Lasting Bun Burners!

But I am getting a head of myself, which is quite easy with my knowledge soaked head of mine. You wouldn't know what that is like, Elf-Boy. So, anyway I left off at our conversation with the insane Don Quixote. Supposedly he's quite famous, as he repeatedly reminded us. He kept wearing sunglasses saying, 'See? I'm a celebrity! I'm wearing sunglasses. A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.' He is quite odd and cannot remember what the subject of the conversation is. I believe he is suffering from, not only madness, but also a server case of Short Attention-Spadness. Our conversation went around these lines...

I said, '...so as you can see, it is most imperative that we get to the summit of Barad-Dûr.'

Don Quixote stroked his stubble of a beard, 'Really? I have just returned from the summit of Barad-Dûr. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.'

Jack blinked, 'How could you miss the giant eye, Mate?'

Don Quixote took a swig of his rum, 'Giant eyes, lad?'

Jack gasped, outraged, '_Lad_! I'm a Captain! Captain Jack Sparrow of the Black Pearl!'

Don Quixote laughed, 'Well, I don't know about you, but I've learned a vice president in an advertising agency is a "molehill man" who has until 5 PM to make a molehill into a mountain. And an accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished even before lunch!'

I said, 'That's very nice, Mr. Knight. But it is a matter of great importance that we get to the summit of Barad-Dûr, if you could show us a map and perhaps lend us some horses...'

Don Quixote said thinking, 'Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that which would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.'

Merlin nodded, 'Yes, that would bother me too.'

Swabtop frowned, 'But dogs don't really have lips... how could they hold the cigar? They'd have to bite it with their teeth and that would cut it in half!'

Merlin rolled his eyes, 'Of course dogs have lips! I think your tights are perhaps a bit too tight...'

Swabtop cried, 'Yes, but they aren't _firm_ lips!'

Don Quixote rubbed his chin, 'Have you ever noticed that if you squint your eyes "Swabtop" looks like "Sweatbox"?'

I shouted, 'Gaa! We're trying to get to Barad-Dûr, not discover how dogs can smoke cigars or how squinting affects reading abilities!'

Don Quixote held up his rum glass, 'To our wives and sweethearts … and may they never meet.'

Jack said, 'Here-here.'

Arthur blinked, 'I can't imagine any woman would ever marry you, Jack Sparrow.'

Jack gasped and began to say something when Don Quixote said:

'To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.'

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop translated, 'She says that would make you ancient, Gandalf.'

Something had to be in the water, I thought. That would be the only explanation for Galadriel joining in with the insanity, because being a horny toad she lived in the water. To my surprise Don Quixote had no problem that one of his guests was a powerful elven sorceress that had been turned into a horny toad. He simply told me, 'Well that's nothing, my cousin Bob got turned into a yak! It's sort of fitting, considering he's always been as ugly as a mule.'

Suddenly a large wind blew through the window, sending the pink curtains out straight like sails. Jack's hair fell off and Don Quixote snickered. Jack hit him over the head with a banana, and the mad-man passed out for a short time in his soup. (You do not want to know where Jack got the banana - trust me.) Then the smell of rotting eggs filled the room and Don Quixote shouted, 'Ewww! _STINKY!_' Which was a very impressive accomplishment considering he was still in the soup.

Then a voice said, 'We're back! And we've had our first successful shower in 3,000 years! That Bubbling Action really works!'

Don Quixote pulled himself out of his soup and said, 'Really? That's fascinating... Would you care for a breath mint?'

Ring Wraith #1: 'Not so fast, we're going to kill you!'

Ring Wraith #2: 'That's right – so don't any of you start singing!'

Ring Wraith #3: 'Yeah, we brought ear plugs!'

Merlin gulped, 'What are we going to do?'

Jack whispered, 'Don't worry, I've got it all figured out, mate. All we need is...'

Arthur growled, 'If you say sausage I swear I'm gonna...'

Jack hissed, 'No no! Sausage doesn't work on dead people, trust me, I know from experience. What we need are bananas and corn husks... lots of corn husks.'

Don Quixote jumped up, 'Die you evil old fart!'

The mad pink knight raised his sword – unfortunately it became very apparent that he hadn't raised his sword in a very long time because the weight tipped him off-balance and he fell backwards disappearing under the table.

Ring Wraith #1: 'Who was that guy?'

Ring Wraith #2: 'Hey! Just because I'm dead doesn't automatically make me old!'

I whispered, 'Let's run for it.'

Ring Wraith #3: 'Yeah! We have feelings you know!'

The company snuck out the door and we heard Don Quixote say:

'Oh, really? Well... did you know that millhole men...'

By that time we were out of hearing range. Everyone turned to me.

Swabtop said quickly, 'Well come on Gandalf, let's do some Nose magic and be off!'

Jack whined, 'But we didn't get to try out my plan...!'

I said angrily, 'You just can't command a nose!'

Swabtop said, 'Fine! We'll just get a feather...'

I nodded, 'Yes, that sounds okay – whoa... did you just say _feather_?'

Arthur announced, 'I have one!'

Jack stated, 'Only Eunuchs carry around feathers...'

I backed up from Swabtop, 'What are you going to do with that-'

Swabtop lunged for my nose, 'Tickle! Tickle!'

I shouted, 'No! I'll sneeze and light you on fire!'

Swabtop, 'Stand still!'

Merlin grabbed my shoulders and Arthur held me down. Jack gulped, 'Uhhh, mates...'

I couldn't help it, I burst out laughing. Then I sneezed... and lit Swabtop's tights on fire.

Swabtop, 'Ahhhh! I'm on _fire_!'

I folded my arms, 'I told you, but _no_... _no_ one listens to the _wizard..._'

Swabtop, 'I'm on fire! I _hate_ fire! Little _help_ over here! _Gaaa_!'

Merlin gasped, 'My! Those tights sure are smoking...!'

Jack blew on the flames, which turned into an inferno. Swabtop screamed like a sissy girl and began to jump around. But then again, if I was on fire I'd probably scream like a sissy girl, too.

King Arthur studied Swabtop intently, 'So _that_'s a fire dance.'

Ring Wraith #1: 'There you are!'

Ring Wraith #2: 'Ha! You can't escape us!'

I said scoldingly, 'Swabtop! You're making a plume of smoke!'

Jack gasped for fresh air, 'That ain't no plume, mate. That's a signal fire!'

Jack using his hat, blew on the flames some more, but that didn't help. Jack thought suddenly, 'Perhaps I could call for help? What's the signal for S.O.S?'

Swabtop, 'Does anyone care that I'm _on fire, here?_'

Ring Wraith #3: 'End of the line, wizard...'

Merlin squealed, 'Ahh! It's the attack of the dead people!' - he gasped - 'I see DEAD PEOPLE!'

Swabtop, 'Hot! _Burning!_ Hot-hot-_hot_! _GAAA!_'

Suddenly the galloping of a horse could be heard from behind the Ring Wraiths. I dived for Jack and we fell into a hay pile – just as Don Quixote, on his donkey, galloped through with a wicked looking weapon. The Ring Wraiths shrieked and glided out of the way.

Don Quixote shouted, 'Ride, my valiant steed!'

Swabtop danced out of the way, 'Hot! Urgh, burning off leg hair...!

Jack shouted, 'Go mate! Crazy knight to the rescue... _waaah?_ – where's he _going_?'

Don Quixote didn't turn around and charge the Ring Wraiths, he kept galloping forward screaming a wordless war cry. The Ring Wraiths were just as stunned as we were.

Arthur blinked, 'Well, if he doesn't watch where he's going he's going to run straight into those windmills...'

We heard Don Quixote cry, 'Die you evil giants! Feel my sword arm's anger!'

Merlin's eye began to twitch, 'You've got to be kidding me...'

Don Quixote charged the windmill and hit it dead-on. His lance shattered and he was flung off his donkey. The donkey shook itself and began grazing while Don Quixote climbed to his feet shouting, '_Retreat_! Run Away! Run Away!'

He ran back to the castle and as he passed us he shouted, 'They were _too_ strong!'

Ring Wraith #1: 'What happened to that guy?'

I shrugged, 'Wife died – went insane.'

Ring Wraith #2: 'His wife died?'

Ring Wraith #3: 'And he went insane for love of her!' sob

Ring Wraith #1: 'That is so sniffle romantic.'

Ring Wraith #3: 'If I had a husband I'd want him to go insane if I died.' sob

Ring Wraith #2: 'Yeah..' pause 'Ahh... we're _men_.'

Ring Wraith #3: 'Well... if I did have a husband -'

Swabtop, 'In case no one's noticed... _I'm on fire!_ Fire – you know, the _burning_ stuff?'

I rolled my eyes – it was time for another miracle by Gandalf the Grey. I looked around for something to smother the fire with. Then, with the help of Jack and King Arthur we proceeded to chuck dirt clods at Swabtop. Surprisingly, he did not appreciate our help one bit. Merlin, being the dumb man he is, threw at water bottle at him... only he sort of forgot to unscrew the cap. So now Swabtop was dazed and on fire. Man, I never knew tights produced slightly blue with a tinge of purple smoke! I rushed forward to help, when I particular nasty burst of smoke hit me in the face. My beard will smell like smoke for at least a week. I sneezed... and we are now – somewhere else...

So here we are, singing campfire songs – to the burning firelight of Swabtop's tights. (He's wearing King Arthur's cape – no, we didn't leave him inside the burning tights – stupid elf!)

Gandalf the Clogged-Nostrils Grey – yes, I'm still getting soot out of my nose... It's a big nose!

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Gandalf's Campfire songs! Get the complete sound track HERE!

**Hyperactive Forever**: As you've probably discovered - no, the Pink Knight has no relation to the Black Knight. Unless, of course, I decide farther down the line that such a relation would be of interest...

**RMC**: _Band people rock! _I should know, I am one of the Band People. Yea!

**crazyrabidfangirl**: How to you pronounce "MALINGINO"?

**Legolas's Girl 9**: I did not understand your last review at all! Something about Shrek and Donkey...?  
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	15. ALERT!

**READER ALERT:**

Before you read the next Letter, I highly suggest you watch the movie "007: Die Another Day." I realize some of you may not be James Bond fans, but you will not understand what happens next if you do not watch the movie. You've been warned.

If you're unwilling to watch the movie, at least _google it_ and find a summary!


	16. 15th Letter

**READER ALERT: **

Okay, everyone's watched _007: Die Another Day?_ Good.

Just so you know, this takes place right after James Bond has been traded for Zao (the guy with the expensive acne) and right before M has had a chance to debrief him...

* * *

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

The Top Secret Hairy Man

Dear Legolas,

At the moment we are hiding out in the stronghold of this filthy rich evil man, Gustav Graves, who's obsessed with ice, diamonds and has the ultimate diabolical weapon of destruction that could bring the world to its knees! Well, that's what _he_ calls it. (No, _He_ is not Gustav Graves.) _He_ is one of the 'coolest cats' the company has ever met as Swabtop put it. We call him BB, while he claims to be Her Majesty's most debonair and deadly secret agent I'm convinced he's the leader of a Girl Scout Troop. (But of course, he's not manly enough to admit it.) This is how it all started.

We were shivering in the cold, huddling around the blazing bon fire that had become Swabtop's tights. He was particularly grouchy that evening – probably because he had a headache from Merlin's brilliant solution of 'Throw a water bottle at his head!' and probably because King Arthur's cape made it look like he was wearing a hula skirt – so mostly we tried to be extra nice to him. At least we were nice until he punched Arthur in the nose. I can't understand it, all Arthur said was, 'Well, if anything – you have a great future career in fire dancing.'

But Swabtop was the least of our problems. As Jack pointed out, the Ring Wraiths might have been brought here with us so we have to be extra careful. I decided we had to hide in a top secret location. So we found an abandoned building that was actually a giant hospital housing people of great importance. Or so we thought.

As we walked around the hospital – Swabtop managed to distract the nurses while pretending to be a lost man with no pants and so we sneaked in. We dressed ourselves up in doctor outfits except for Jack who went as a nurse – anyway, as we walked around we found a door that said 'Level Ten Security Only'.

I said, 'Hmm.. it appears that something of great importance is behind this door.'

Merlin asked, 'Importance? As in top-secret medical experiments?'

Arthur, 'Or gold?'

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop translated, 'A cure for warts?'

Jack added in his high pitch nurse voice, 'Maybe it's rum! Or it could be beer – I don't think they serve rum at hospitals.'

I said, 'There's only one way to find out, as we wizards know! The only way to see what's behind Door #1 is to _open_ Door #1.'

I opened the door and we all walked in. Behind a glass shield was a hairy man wearing blue ragged clothes and looked to be suffering from sever lack of nourishment.

Jack said in disappointment, 'No rum?'

Suddenly the hairy man convulsed and a long beep filled the room. There was a certainly finality to it that sent a shiver down my spine. Suddenly alarms blared and lights flashed.

Arthur looked around frantically, 'The sky is falling!'

Swabtop gasped, 'We've been discovered!'

But Jack waddled over to the hairy man, (I phased him through the glass) he trying very hard not to trip in his high heels. He commented, 'The beep is coming from his poor fellow – I think he hit the bucket.'

Merlin cried, 'No – his heart has stopped!'

Arthur clapped his hands over his mouth which muffled his cries of, 'His heart has stopped? _His heart has stopped?_'

I thought hard, as only great wizards can, 'There's a human technique I know – CPR. Perhaps one of you should perform it.'

Arthur gasped, 'CPR? _CPR?_ I can't even spell it!'

Jack crackled his knuckles, 'Watch the master at work.'

Jack quickly opened the man's mouth and blew in the air from his own lung. Then he pumped on the man's chest and repeated the process. We stood absolutely still.

Maybe it was the fact Jack had been slugging the man in the stomach with all his might, or maybe it was the fact of his bad breath, or perhaps because some of his twigs fell out of his mud hair mass and hit him in the head, or it might just have been the fact that Jack had a beard – but that man woke up mighty fast.

He sat up and said something around the lines of, 'BLECH!'

Arthur cried, 'He's alive? _He's alive?_'

Swabtop commented, 'You know, that's getting kind of old.'

The man looked at us, especially Jack in his dress and high heels, while wiping his mouth on his sleeve and shuddering. He said, 'Please tell me you aren't the usual doctors.'

I said with a bow, 'I am Gandalf the Grey.'

The man blinked, 'Is that important?'

I gasped and my eyes almost popped out of my head, 'Important? I'll have you know I am a great wizard with incredible nasal powers at my disposal! So don't test me, silly little man who needs a hair cut!'

Jack interrupted, 'And I'm not a doctor! I'm a nurse! See? I'm wearing a pink dress. Only nurses wear dresses. Unless of course you're a Eunuch.'

The man said, 'If you're a nurse, you're the ugliest woman I've ever seen – no offense. What happened to your hair?'

I said, 'Oh, he doesn't have hair. It's mud - with twigs in it. We lit it on fire once. Actually' – I pointed to Merlin – 'he did it.'

Merlin gasped, 'Well, we were in a hurry to see the King! What did you expect me to do?'

The man blinked, 'You've met the King?'

I folded my arms, 'I told you we were important.'

Swabtop said, 'But as it turned out he wasn't a king.'

King Arthur added, 'Oh no, he turned out to be a crazy old fart that rode around on a donkey. But I'm a king – if that helps.'

The man said nodding, 'Oh I see.' You could tell he thought us all mad, either that or deeply mentally disturbed.

He said, 'Well, I am' – he paused for dramatic effect – 'Bond, James Bond.'

Merlin chuckled, 'So I guess you have an adhesive personality, huh?'

Merlin laughed at his own joke. We all stared at him. Merlin sighed, 'You know 'bond' as in bonding together – adhesives?'

The silence continued.

Merlin folded his arms, 'Well _I_ thought it was funny. Besides, what kind of an idiot names their kid after their own last name?'

I tested it, 'Bond-James Bond, you're right. That's even a worser name than being named after a tree – Legolas _Greenleaf_.'

Bond-James said, 'Excuse me, but I don't think "worser" is even a word.'

Jack Sparrow said, 'Word or no word, it's even worser than Swabtop!'

I added, 'Or being named after a bird!'

Jack Sparrow blinked, 'Hey! Wait a minute!'

Arthur said, 'I thought we were looking for a stupid mountain.'

Bond-James said rather loudly, 'I assume M will come to debrief me.' He was trying very hard to be cool and ignore us.

Merlin scratched his head, 'You want to get debriefed by a letter of the alphabet?'

Swabtop frowned, "Aren't briefs underwear? How do you get _de_-briefed?"

Arthur suddenly screamed in terror, "Nasty images! Ohhh! The nasty images in my_ mind!_"

Jack gasped, "Are you one of those weird men that wear Fruit of the Loom? - Those are all Eunuchs, you know."

I said quickly, 'Forget them, do you know where the summit of Barad-Dûr is? Well, I _know_ where it is – (I am a wizard after all!) – I just don't know how to get there from here. We must destroy the Ring of Power, for if returned into the hands of Sauron he would use it to enslave the race of Men and cover the land with an overpowering darkness!'

Bond-James said, 'That sounds bad... but also very fascinating. Now could you perhaps get me out of here?'

I shrugged, 'Sure.'

I tapped the glass, which shattered silently, and then I snapped my fingers and the restraints fell off him.

Bond-James said, 'That's a useful trick.'

I nodded, 'It does come in handy some times, but that is what we wizards are – Handymen!'

Gandalf the Handy-Dandy Grey (and don't you forget it!)

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Ah ha! Who better to join the Funky Fellowship than an Englishman who lacks proper cleaniness skills?

**Princess Siara**: It's nice to know someone likes these things! Thanks for all the lovely reviews! I'm updating as fast as my little fingers can! (_Actually I'm not - I've been very lazy since I had finals to study for, and I guess it became kind of a habit... If it makes you feel better you can hit me with a sasuage._)  
I believe you deserve a Wacked Star for all your reviews... but first I have to go see what I have in stock...

**Legolas's Girl 9**: I'm sorry you've seen it a million times... I can relate. :)

**Treymane**: Oh, don't give me too much credit. I've never read Don Quixote either!

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	17. 16th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

(007 is not a Girl Scout Troop)

Elf-Boy,

In my last letter we had just encountered the strange hairy man who is known as Bond-James. A strange sort of fellow, to be sure. Anyways...

We left the hospital together and I explained all about the Ring of Power and the destruction it had caused. So we made a deal. We would help Bond-James get revenge (using some of my magical skills) and he would, in return, help us destroy the Ring of Power.

We came to a river, avoiding the hospital guards. Quickly we jumped in, but neither King Arthur nor Merlin knew how to swim. So Bond-James and I had to carry them which was really hard to do – especially once all Merlin's robes became water-logged. Fortunately, I was tall enough that all Merlin had to do was sit on my shoulders to breath air. Being a wizard, while oxygen is the preferred breather, we have been known to be able to breath underwater.

That night we stayed in first class rooms at a hotel. Wet and chilled to the bone we marched to the reception desk and ordered two Presidential suits. The man behind the desk looked at us funny, but Bond-James simply said, 'They're French.'

Jack made sure they brought lots of sausage to our room. After walking up several flights of stairs – I didn't trust this contraption called the elevator. "Elevator" sounds like some sort of Orc torture device – we all piled into a darkened room and the bellboy flicked a switch and turned on the sun.

I cried, 'Oh my beardy!'

Merlin gasped and walked over to the switch, 'Day' – he flicked it down – 'Night!' - he flicked it up – 'Day!'

Swabtop jumped, ecstatic, on the bed, '_DISCO, BABY!_'

Arthur cried, 'No, Swabtop! Don't let the madness take you, too!'

Bond-James opened the door, now dressed in a suit and tie he said, 'Are you finding everything...'

Arthur suddenly grabbed a book off the bed, 'Look! Reading material!'

Bond-James blinked, obviously not accustomed to being interrupted.

He explained about the double agent giving information to the enemy, compromising his mission and leading to his capture. I knew how that felt – Sarumon was never far from my mind. How close was he to getting the Ring? Was Frodo prevailing? Had Gimli gotten them all killed yet – I still thought Galadriel was wrong about the whole "stupid Legolas" thing. Legolas may not have all the brains, but he certainly has all the arrows.

The double agent was important enough to have highly classified files, and clever enough not to get caught. Bond-James was also on the lookout for the Korean, Zao. Though, what kind of name "Zao" is I cannot say. Even Bond-James is better than that!

As we sat in a bar in a hot land called Cuba, I asked Bond-James, 'How do you think Zao has managed to avoid detection all these years. I'm sure you aren't the only person out to get him.'

Bond-James set down his binoculars, 'True; Zao has friends in high places – _rich_ high places.'

I nodded, 'Which is how he can afford to have himself genetically altered into a different person. Just curious – but how _did_ you get into this mess?'

Bond-James chucked, 'I'm 007.'

I blinked, '007? Isn't that a _Girl Scout Troop Number_? How does a Girl Scout Leader get into _this_ much trouble? What'd you do? Refuse to sell Zao _Thin Mints_?'

Bond-James glared at me, 'I am _not_ a Girl Scout Troop Leader.'

I nodded, 'All right, but denial is the first step to acceptance you know.'

Bond-James said, 'I am not a Girl Scout Leader! Good grief, man! - I'm not even a _girl_!'

I sighed, 'Just keep fooling yourself, Bond-James.'

I stood up from the bar, took a final swig of my Apple Juice and whacked our newest companion on the shoulder. Jack had told me this is how male friends greet each other, or say good-bye, or to make a point. In other words, just hit him. I don't think I did it quite right, because I knocked Bond-James off his bar stool and sent him flying some five feet into the air and across the floor.

I said, 'Oopsy – I guess I did that a bit too hard, then?'

Jack, however, gave me a thumbs up from the table. What a strange male ritual. Do elves have anything like this? Or do they just shoot people?

Anyway after this we met up with Gustav Graves fellow at a fencing club in the United Kingdom. (Arthur says he feels quite at home, he says it reminds him exactly of Britain.) Bond-James challenged him to a duel to test him and put him on edge and rattle things up a bit; for he expected it was Graves who was funding Zao's new look. Bond-James had managed to hook up again with his Boss, who was kind enough to gave him that information. (Did I mention Zao escaped from Cuba? Even with a new friend Jinx – a girl with too many guns – he managed to escape. As slippery as Hobbit on ice, Zao is!) Unfortunately, during their duel, Jack got so enraptured he just _had_ to join in – plus he wanted to try out some moves he got from some crazy man in Singapore. Anyway, in the process of fighting random terrified fencing students he managed to get his head lit on fire again. (Probably when he tripped over Swabtop's hula dress and fell into the fireplace. We still hadn't found Swabtop any slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights yet – he refuses to wear pants.) So then we had a screaming pirate running around with a sword with his head on fire. That _really_ rattled things up.

To put Jack's blazing head out, Merlin and Arthur had to hold him still while I attempted to whack of the mass of burning mud, twigs, leaves, grass clumps and pumpkin pieces off his head with my staff. Galadriel finally got tired of us and called in a violent rainstorm which accidentally turned into a tornado, which Bond-James said was quite unusual weather for London. It put out Jack's head, but also came with some unforeseeable side affects.

Apparently Graves got caught in the middle of the tornado – and as Bond-James put it, 'Gustav Graves isn't in Kansas anymore.'

Fortunately, Graves invited us to his ice palace stronghold in Iceland before he took his little trip.

So now we are in Iceland – and Jack is now bald and his head reflects the light off the snow. It's nice for communicating across long distances because by catching the light you can flash something Bond-James calls Morris Code. Bond-James thinks this should now come standard.

Gandalf the Blue

P.S. Blue is right! It's so darn cold out – even the top of Merlin's head is blue!

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Tornado! Tornado! Can't you just picture frenzied London citizens running in circles and screaming with cute little British accents?

**Note**: For all you older reviewers, you should probably check out the 8th Letter: Dead Men Tell No Tales! (Whomever said this is a big, fat liar!) – it explains where Swabtop comes from. I put it in a long time ago, but I never bothered to tell anyone! So typical of me - lol

**Princess Siara**: Thanks for the kind words. It's been a rough time for me, and I honestly thought I would be recovered by now – I guess, when it comes to death, I really don't know what to do...

Ouch! That brautwurst hurt! I've been eternally scared... and no, the glass was not breakaway.

Now for your Whacked Star! People who have reviewed to every single chapter receive a weird variation of a gold star as a prize! And now it's your turn! I already gave away my six foot star and the star with the sticky back side and the star that has a pin so you can wear it on your shirt... but your star comes with a link to my All-Outrageous Face-Color-Changing Satellite! Mwa-ha-ha-ha! To operate, simply aim star worn on wrist at the desired target and state a color. The Satellite will then automatically lock onto the target and, with a fancy-dancy laser, will change their face to the color you previously stated. If the target is someone you passionately dislike, I suggest picking a color that will clash horribly with their outfit, or a color like puke-green or doggie-poo brown...

**lupin-sirius-luva**: Guess what! Winnie shall show up soon after the Bond-James Letters!

**Icy Sapphire15**: Oops, you did spell adiou wrong – it's adieu. Don't worry though, we won't hold it against you. _Congrats on turning 15!_ In honor of your passing from 14 to 15, I shall now do the ritual suasuage birthday-dance... I suggest you quickly look away... Since you talked about updating your age on your profile I went to check it out: "_Age- -holds up 15 fingers- I'M THIS MANY! -looks at fingers- What the hell?_" That totally made me burst out laughing! LOL

**MegTao**: Glad to like the Letters! Hope they're giving you a belly ache! (From laughing so hard, that is...)

Okay, Silwyth! Stop writing review replies and get Letter writing! And for all you readers out there... Review! ('Cause I know where you live... Bwa-ha-ha-ha!)  
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	18. 17th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**  
(The Hidden Use of Spatulas)

Elf-Boy,

In my last letter I ended at the ice stronghold of Gustav Graves.

Inside Swabtop caused quite a scene with his hula dress fashion statement. Plus, I think he scared one of the waiters when he demanded some slightly blue with a tinge of purple tights as a replacement. They haven't come yet – but it _was_ a particularly odd order.

Other than that, Merlin was trying desperately to get a date all evening, while King Arthur was desperately trying to escape all the girls that had been caught in his non-existent charm. I guess Arthur is very good looking by human standards. All these reporters keep saying he could be an Orlando Bloom look-alike. Of course I have no idea who this Orlando Bloom is – I don't bother myself with human nonsense...

After getting a few drinks at the bar, (I was careful Jack didn't order anything stronger than water) Graves wanted to show us his new creation. Icarous. "Like a Diamond in the Sky" it reflected the sun's light onto us – even though it was 11:00pm! Or at least that's what he claimed. He took us outside into the freezing cold and pressed a few buttons after giving a speech that made my nose start to snore. Several reporters began to look at us oddly and Bond-James hastily shoved his earmuffs up my nostrils in attempt to subdue the noise.

Then there was a flash of blinding light and we were all – can you guess? - blinded!

Swabtop shrieked, 'It's blinded me!'

Jack swayed, stumbled and passed out at the same time, 'Pretty lights...'

I turned on Merlin, 'I thought I told you to keep that pirate _away_ from the rum! Hey... I'm _not_ blinded!'

Merlin swung around, arms out stretched (he was blinded also) and sailed into Arthur who gave out a yelp. 'It's not my fault! He had a extremely pointy weapon!'

I blinked, 'You're insane! Galadriel vanished his sword ages ago.'

Swabtop cried, 'It's blinded me!'

Galadriel croaked with agreement from under my hat. (We had thought it best, especially Bond-James, if we just hid Galadriel so we didn't have to explain how she was actually an elven sorcerous who was accidentally turned into a horny toad because of a pirate and so on. Bond-James thought that this small fact might cause complications.)

Merlin growled, 'Well, he's got one now! I think he stole it from Don Quixote – either that or the fencing club. How long will this blindness last?'

Bond-James said quietly, 'You're supposed to put on the sunglasses.'

Merlin, '_Sun_glasses? What's wrong with the wineglasses?'

Swabtop shouted, 'I'm blind!'

Arthur stumbled over Swabtop's skirt, 'Yes! We know that – shut up! I'm blind too!'

Jack said, '_Snore_'

Bond-James hissed, 'Stop that, all of you, you're embarrassing me! You're worse than my mother!'

After that Bond-James locked us in our rooms while he went searching for the control box of Icarous. We had to get Jack in on a stretcher, but he woke up in a flash when we dangled sausage above his nose.

We knew Bond-James was on a secret mission of enormous importance, so natrually we had to help. We had already decided he needed all the help he could get – especially since he was British. So far all the British seemed to be a bunch of ninny girls. (To this Arthur exclaimed, 'We are not! I'm telling my mommy on you!') We could not let Bond-James fail! Of course, first we had to get out of our room.

The walls and doors where made of ice, and so the logical choice of action was to melt the ice - preferably by using my nose. However, Swabtop was still terrified of that prospect, he had quite recently developed a strange fear of fire... So we decided to chop through the ice with Jack's sword. Well, that didn't really work because Jack accidentally threw it out the window. It was up to I, Gandalf the Grey, to come up with yet another miracle! First I tried sneezing on it, but the chilly temperatures had my nose running and everybody whose anybody knows you can't blow fire out your nose if it's congested with snot. That being a failure, I quickly instructed my fellow companions to lick the door to death. According to my calculations the combined efforts of our licking, tongue heat, and saliva, would melt straight through the ice. I let the rest of the company go first and was surprised to see that their tongues froze to the ice. They were quite efficiently stuck. And I must say, it was down right hilarious.

I stroked my beard, attempting to contain my laughter, 'Apparently ice is quite a useful construction material.'

Merlin mumbled, 'Humphoooml woomph pazuu.'

However they were freed when the waiter came in with Swabtop's order of tights. I had ordered a spatula, and together we were able to pry their tongues lose. I always knew there was more to spatulas than flipping eggs. Obviously a very intelligent person with perhaps a bit too much time on his hands invented this wonderful devise. I have added a loop to my belt and ordered another titanium spatula to add to my collection of strange but useful items lucky Men have managed to invent. Among these are the toothpick – very clever – an erasable pen – I still haven't figured out how they do that – a box of tissues with lotion! - my nose will except nothing other than Puffs – and a can opener. I've never actually met a can, but when I do I'll be ready!

Anyway, back to our dilemma. Now all we had to do was find Bond-James and save the world! (It seems to me the world needs saving very often.) Unfortunately, I'm somewhat uncertain how to navigate this place of ice... I shall just have to use my clogged nose.

Gandalf the Clogged Boogies, Grey

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I love ice... I love cream... I love ice cream... wait... where am I? And why are all you people _staring at me?_

**Legolas's Girl 9**: What's the hairbrush song?

**Mrsblonde1503**: It's good to hear from you again... I'm sorry you hurt yourself, and that now your sister probably thinks you're insane... :D

**Princess Siara**: You're the second person to come to me with the "KILL BARNEY!" idea... don't worry, I'll be sure that Gandalf visits and makes a little havoc. _- grins wickedly -_  
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	19. 18th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

(Jack Sparrow can't Swim)

Dear Legolas,

We are somewhere warm again! Actually we're in a forest and I have no idea where we are, but at least it's warm. (Well, I _do_ have an _idea_ of where we are... my brain is, after all, thirty times the size of yours, Legolas.) The only down side is we smell terrible – probably due to our encounter with the Ring Wraiths. I guess they did follow us through my nose accident. (I _really_ need to sigh up for those Nasal Help Classes...) Oh yeah, and we think Jack Sparrow is dead, but I'll get to that later.

Anyway, we finally met up with Bond-James outside the place of ice. (None of us could find an exit, so the waiter recommended we tried going out the window – he's very clever for a guy who serves tights.) There Bond-James was slightly shaken (something about lasers and a large man aptly named Mr. Kill) and was about to jump into one of those speedy skiing cars, ones that could travel faster than sound. Before he shut the door the Company all sucked in their stomachs and we squeezed in. It was sort of nice really. Because the skin had been ripped off their tongues, due to me prying them lose with my new titanium spatula, they were unable to talk. All except Galadriel, but technically she couldn't talk to begin with. Unfortunately, Jack began to breathe – and he has very bad breath.

Bond-James wrinkled his nose, 'Good heavens! What on earth is that horrid stench?'

I said solemnly, 'You don't want to know.'

As Bond-James hit the pedal we flew off at amazing speeds, I thought it was all very nice (I like saying '...all very nice...') until I turned around. A giant beam of sun powered laser light, one the creations of Gustav Graves no doubt, was chasing us. Everything it touched was instantly vaporized due to the intensity of the blaze, from glacier caps to those cheap little white plastic forks elves use -they ALL melted! It began to get very warm and I began to sweat. Except, being a wizard, I sweat in all the wrong places so then I had soggy underwear.

I gulped, 'That's not good, is it.'

Bond-James snorted, 'No – you think?' I doubted he was referring to my soggy underpants.

I smiled, 'Actually, I think quite often. It's one of my favorite past-times, I also - '

Swabtop clamped his hand over my mouth. The beam was getting closer and we were heading for a cliff. I tapped Bond-James on the shoulder.

Bond-James gritted his teeth, 'I'm sort of busy at the moment.'

I nodded, 'I know, but I'd just think I should point out we're heading for the edge of a predominately high cliff.'

The glacier came to a sudden end right ahead of us, but Bond-James, being the Girl Scout Leader he was, didn't realize the danger and drove straight over it. Normally, I would have saved myself, but everyone was squashed and I couldn't move. (In fact, Swabtop was sitting on my lap – which was beginning to, as the Men say, _Freak Me Out_.) I debated wrinkling my nose, or wiggling my ears but I wasn't entirely sure that would be the best course of action.

As we raced onward it quickly became very apparent that Bond-James had his brains somewhere other than in his head. Words like 'imbecilic', 'moronic', and 'mental defective' raced through my mind. At this point the company decided they should probably say something other than, 'Mugh' or 'Ugh.' Jack suddenly began to struggle, slamming an "Already in a Fowl Mood" Merlin into the window.

Jack exclaimed as we fell over the edge, _'Someone's touching my buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuutt!'_

Bond-James ignored the woeful cries of the infamous pirate and skillfully pressed a little yellow button as skillfully as one can. A giant claw popped out of the back of the vehicle, making a small farting noise I might add, and caught itself on the rock. Instead of directly plummeting to a icy death we were now dangling by a thread which creaked and groaned under our combined weight. I wasn't so sure which circumstance was better.

Bond-James said, 'We'll only have a few seconds – hurry!'

The top of the speeder opened and Bond-James climbed out and began doing... something. We all looked down through the opening. Swabtop leaned farther out to get a better looking, holding onto my beard, 'That's a long, long, long, long, long way down.'

Arthur cried, 'If we die - ' he turned to Jack '- I'm sorry for touching your butt.'

Jack began to twitch.

Bond-James shouted from above, 'Climb aboard – we're parasailing out of this chaos filled jumble of turmoil.'

Swabtop turned to me, 'What'd he just say?'

I replied, 'Just humor him, he's British.'

Merlin wrapped me in a bear hug as he looked down at the sea below us, 'I'm afraid of far away things!'

I patted Merlin's back while he began to sob and drool on my shoulder, 'Please stop. My cloak is dry clean only, and I doubt we're going to find a dry cleaners while we're hanging on a string about to plummet to our almost sure deaths.'

Galadriel croaked.

Swabtop translated, 'How long did it take you to figure that out?'

I frowned dangerously, eyes flashing, '500 years. What's it to you?'

Bond-James managed to get most of us onto his 'escape device'. It was this yellow structure that was shaped like a tube cut in half, or a stalk of celery without the leaves, which was made of thin aluminum – either that or cheap plastic. We, excluding Jack who was still dawdling in the racing vehicle, stuck our feet under the various wiring and protruding edges for grip and the only thing to hang onto was ourselves. Of course, when I mean 'ourselves' I'm talking about my beard. I don't know why most people, when in life threatening situations, have a tendency for holding onto my beard. Perhaps I shall conduct a survey, after The Funky Fellowship and I have destroyed the Ring of course. But I think I've figured out why everyone was clutching me in fear in this particular scenario, you see – Bond-James was the one wearing the parachute. So, I guess that made it a more of a 'fall to your death device' but, at any rate, we were going to do just that anyway...

Jack shouted, 'Not without my effects!'

I rolled my eyes, 'Get on, you stupid swashbuckler.'

Jack did not respond, but leap back into the speeder which lurched violently.

Swabtop explained, 'His hat got lodged under one of the seats.'

Arthur brightened, 'So that's why he kept mumbling about his brain catching cold!'

Merlin grumbled, 'If he had a brain...'

And the company, except Jack and Bond-James (who was too dignified to laugh at our trivial jokes), began to giggle.

Bond-James looked up, 'Jack, you may want to hurry.'

The glacier was collapsing before our very eyes. What happened next happened so fast I could do nothing about it. Merlin looked up and squealed as great ice boulders began tumbling down around us. The hair-challenged Man who calls himself a Wizard lunged at Bond-James who was the only thing keeping us attached to the glacier. At this same moment Jack raised his hand above his head in triumph shouting, 'I got my hat! And it's happy to see me!' Then Bond-James, startled by Merlin's desperate lunge, dropped the rope connecting us. We began to fall, then an updraft of air caught Bond-James' parachute and we began to soar away to safety.

Jack looked around stupidly, 'Where'd everybody go?'

Arthur gasped, 'You forgot the pirate! He's going to die!'

Merlin blinked, 'So that's why it smells so clean...'

We watched as the pirate began to plummet towards the ocean as the string holding the speeder broke with a loud "_Twang!_" He waved his arms and legs quite comically, and kept trying to use his hat as a parachute. Of course, he only fell faster.

Merlin asked nervously, 'He can swim, right?'

I rolled my eyes, 'He's a pirate – besides, I've seen him do a lovely swan dive.'

Arthur gulped, 'Then why is he screaming?'

I said, 'Oh, don't worry – that's simply reflex.'

We soared gently through the air, watched Jack make a giant splash which we all agreed was at least a nine, then we landed softly on some snow. I brushed some snowflakes from my bread and straighten my grey robes.

Bond-James immediately demanded, 'What's that smell?'

Ring Wraith #1, 'We don't smell, thank you very much!'

Ring Wraith #3, 'Yeah, no thanks to you guys!'

Ring Wraith #2, 'We got stuck with that freak, old French guy! He wouldn't shut up about mill hole men!'

Bond-James frowned, 'What French guy?'

I said quickly, 'Don Quixote.'

Yes, of course. We had left the Ring Wraiths behind with Don Quixote. I had almost hoped they would have stayed there. But, like most undead things, you can't keep a good Ring Wraith down. Suddenly, one of the Ring Wraith's cocked his head little a dog and stared intently at Swabtop. It reminded me of a cocky spaniel... or is that corcker?

Ring Wraith #2, 'Weren't you previously on fire?'

Swabtop shifted uncomfortably and clutched his new tights subconsciously. Bond-James' eyes lit up with understanding.

Bond-James said brightly, 'Oh, so that's why you were running around in a hula skirt.'

Arthur replied indignantly, 'Excuse me, that was my cape.'

Bond-James frowned, 'But all the pink flowers on it...'

Ring Wraith #3, 'Pink flowers?"

Arthur cried, '_You don't know me!_'

Then the King of England ran off screaming, slipped on a patch of ice, fell on his bum and began to wail for his mum. (Haha Elf-Boy, not only am I an ingenious wizard – I can also rhyme!) We all began to laugh, but Arthur only wailed louder.

Ring Wraith #1, 'He fell on his arse!'

Arthur shouted back, 'Well... POO ON YOU!'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Ha ha ha! The king said "_POO!_" '

Galadriel croaked loudly.

Swabtop translated, 'In case you've forgotten, your poor pirate friend is out there drowning.'

Ring Wraith #3, 'I was wondering why no one was asking me if I was a eunuch...'

Bond-James gasped, 'You're a _eunuch?_'

Ring Wraith #2, 'Technically, we're dead.'

Bond-James gasped, 'You're a _dead eunuch?_'

I shouldn't have been surprised. Bond-James had never encountered the Ring Wraiths before. Dead eunuch knights would drive just about anyone mad.

Bond-James gasped, 'Wait a minute, Don Quixote isn't French! He's _Spanish!_'

Merlin blinked, 'And that matters because why?'

Ring Wraith #3, 'Hey! You can't change the subject – we were about to kill you!'

Bond-James gasped, 'You're an _ax-murdering dead eunuch?_'

I turned to the Ring Wraiths, 'If you're going to kill us would you please hurry? I don't know if I can take much more of this.'

Swabtop peered out at the freezing water, 'Hey, Jack stopped drowning... Now he's underwater blowing bubbles! Stupid pirate, having fun at a time like this...'

Merlin whacked him, 'He's not playing! Those are his few last breaths leaving him! It's called "Final Stage Before That Last Stage" which we call "DEATH"!'

Arthur stopped crying for him Mum long enough to look up and scream, "Death?_ Death?_"

Merlin said quickly, 'Erm... I mean "That Last Stage Where Life Is Painfully, Slowly, and Untimely Terminated.'

I turned and noticed that Jack was indeed in the "Final Stage Before That Last Stage" which we call "That Last Stage Where Life Is Painfully, Slowly, and Untimely Terminated". One clue was the fact he was turning blue, another was the fact that several sausages were floating out of his pockets and he wasn't even trying to eat them. A strange feeling moving through my gut and I believe I felt a surge of **gasp** could this be... loyalty?

I shouted, "Yo Ho! I'll save you, Captain!" Then I slipped on Arthur, who had slipped on a a patch of ice, and I fell on my nose. It hurts when you fall on your nose, Legolas, but worse... it made my nose MAD. You do not want to make my nose mad, especially MAD mad.

It hurt so bad, I wrinkled it. And my nose was so mad it invoked it's Nose Powers and so now we're in this forest... someplace warm... and we think Jack Sparrow's dead... and I just noticed I am sitting in a giant elephant dropping... why me?

Gandalf "I'm Never Going to Get _THIS_ Off" Grey

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Hi – no, your mind was not playing tricks on you. Jack Sparrow is dead! - _shurggs_ - What did you think was going to happen? The title of the Letter was, after all, "Jack Sparrow Can't Swim". You should now Review and tell me what you think of my sudden, unexpected, twist of events. -_laughs evilly_-

-_singing_- Oh little elephants hopping through the forest with their spit-ulas...! Lalala – blah!

**OobecGee**: Ha! I can sing about elephants, too, and there's nothing you can do to stop me!

**Marvinlebt42**: I'm on your favorites list! Yea! I feel special now.

**Kitty Kat-Chan**: How did I come up with the idea? Well, it all started the day I met this man from Nantucket...

**Princess Siara**: Thanks for the hug! I'm doing good. Did you say Star Wars? _You bet Star Wars!_ And never forget Star Trek!

**MegTao**: Thanks for the compliment – I try to come up with new stuff. I hope I'm doing a good job:D

**Legolas's Girl 9**: A cucumber _would_ sing a hairbrush song...

**Mrsblonde1503**: Puddle Lane... hmm...

**Hyperactive Forever**: What would a Swabtop be without his tights? I'm updating as fast as I can!  
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	20. 19th Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

(Reminiscing About Jack)

Dear Legolas,

We held a funeral for Jack, and Merlin sang a song he made up in Jack's honor. Bond-James commented that it sounded a whole lot like the Brady Bunch – only stupider. It went sort of like this:

_There was a pirate,  
Who was named Jack Sparrow!  
He wore a hat and was a smelly ugly dude!_

_He had a goatee, and a bald head -  
His breath smelled like poo!_

_And then one day,  
He fell off a glacier, __and he landed in the waters with a splat!  
__He started failing, his arms like windmills,  
__He then sort of drown..._

_So yeah this pirate,  
He was kind of special__,  
He had strange obsessions with eunuchs and tooth picks too!  
__But his favorite, was the sausage...  
__(slight pause)  
__Because it always made him fart!_

_It made him fart! (lalalalalalala)  
It made him fart! (lalalalalalala)  
He like sausage 'cause it always made him fart! (lalalalalalala!)_

King Arthur sung the "lalalalalalala" part. After they finished the song, Swabtop commented that it was the lamest thing he had ever heard. I, personally, think it did quite well at describing Jack... especially the liking sausage part. Though, I must admit, ending a eulogy song with the word "fart" is a bit odd.

And so, with Jack's funeral behind us, I can only think one thing: I am lost.

Not physically, of course. It is literally impossible for us wizards to get lost. You see, wizards have a large build up of iron ore in the bridge of our noses – acts just like a compass. And I have a very big compass, I mean nose.

Actually, I am speaking in more of a mental sense.

Because, now that I've finally washed off all my elephant poop, I just keep asking myself, "Now that Jack's gone... who will I make fun of?" I mean, he was my very first convert to The Funky Fellowship of the Ring in Case that Stupid Gimli/Legolas Gets Them All Killed. We have been through lots of adventures. Like the time we were captured by his evil arch-enemy Barbossa... and he ended up drooling on me. Or the time that we turned Galadriel into a Horny Toad... which was actually all his fault. Or the time we sang, River Danced, and showed off our Hairy Man Legs to scare off the Ring Wraiths... but mostly that just ended up scaring me. Yes – the good times...

But, of course, when you think about him. He was loyal, brave, undaunted, unique... erm... very unique, smelly, bald, drunk, highly obsessed with sausage, called everyone he met a eunuch, kept muttering about pumpkin flavored gum balls, and was convinced fuchsia solved just about anything!

Okay, when you put it like that... WHOOO HOO! I'M FREEEEEEEEE! YEAH, BABY! FREEEEEEEEE! FREE CHEESY BREAD!

I'm so excited, I think I'll make some waffles.

Gandalf the Highly Liberated, Grey

P.S. Though I might add, Galadriel is very put out that she was not given the privilege of extracting her revenge out of Jack before he... snuffed it. (Anytime we say "died" Arthur starts hyperventilating.)

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All who wish to order the "Jack Go Bye-Bye" song, please speak to my manager. Please Review, or I'll sick Jack's ghost on you! 

**Princess Siara**: I'm glad you like Jack's new state of existence. A strawberry bubble bath, eh? I'll have to give that a try...

**Hershey.xoxo.Kisses**: I'm glad my crazy Letters have cheered you up! It's nice to know all my work has done something productive! Yea!

**Hyperactive Forever**: Yes – I shall help you beat the Ring Wraiths with sticks! Death to the Ax-Murdering Dead Eunuchs!

**MegTao**: The Funky Fellowship just doesn't seem that funky without Jack, does it? Thanks for the reviews!  
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	21. 20th Letter

**READER ALERT:**  
Silwyth is back.

In celebration of my new ability to (once again) upload chapters and my exploding supply of _new_ Letters...  
erm, I mean old letters that I've finally gotten around to translating... I've decided to hold:

The Funky Fellowship Contest!

WIN and you,  
yes I mean one of _you_ my lovely reviewers,  
will get to **Guest Star** in **The Lost Letters of Gandalf**  
(The wait was worth it)

Details Below! As in After the Letter! As in You Have to Read the Letter First!

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**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

(Bees, Bears, Orange Streaks and a Violent Heffalump)

Dear Legolas,

Merlin has been captured by the Heffalumps and taken to their stronghold! It's been decided (though I argued against it) that we must save him, and so the Funky Fellowship is going to war along with our new stuffed animal friends.

We have set up base at a large tree in the Hundred Acre Wood under the name of Sanders. Under, as in there happens to be a sign over the door which says Sanders in gold letters. The real owner is a rather short and cuddly teddy bear. (Yes, Legolas, you did read that right.) We are staying at the house of Winnie-ther-Pooh. Not Winnie-_the_-Pooh, which is a common misconception. If you knew what "ther" meant, Elf-Boy, then I wouldn't have to explain it.

Though this bear has very few brains due to his head being full of fluff (an unfortunate occurrence among teddy bears) he has been instrumental in planning our counter attack against the Heffalumps. However, I suppose you are wondering how Merlin was captured in the first place. It is a long, dramatic, action-adventure story with just the right amount of drama to get your pointy elf ears quivering.

It first began with our meeting of Winnie-ther-Pooh. Though Swabtop would most likely refer to our meeting as a "traumatic" experience.

King Arthur, Merlin, Swabtop and Bond-James were walking through the forest, Galadriel was hopping, and I was hobbling because I still hadn't washed off the elephant poop. After traveling a mile in this fashion a voice sang above us, 'Hum dum de dum... I am so rumbly in my tumbly.'

Merlin stopped and looked into the tree tops, 'What in the Court of Camelot was that?'

Arthur squealed, 'It's the hungry ghost of Jack Sparrow come back to haunt us!'

I rolled my eyes and said calmly, 'Jack only sang about rotten eggs. Besides, he never once said the word "tumbly".'

Swabtop shrugged, 'I heard him say "Oh my rum-tummies!" once.'

His words were followed by a sharp crack, then the same voice said clearly, 'Oh bother.' A soft buzzing-noise came from over head and grew louder.

Swabtop was now looking into the trees as well, 'Perhaps it's falling – ARGH!' A giant bee hive fell right on top of Swabtop's head with a loud _thunk_, engulfing the entirety of his face like a spa mask. Naturally, Swabtop threw his hands over his head and began to run in circles while screaming. I've observed that is one of the most profound instincts found in Men.

Bond-James said quickly, 'Stay calm! Bees only sting if they...'

Swabtop cried through the hive shell, 'IT BURNS!'

A large swarm of bees flew out of the hive with an angry buzz. As a wizard, I am naturally immune from bee stings, but I do admit they hurt. A bee sting ranks up there with a ballrog hitting you over the head with a mallet. I was ready to back away, but Swabtop ran off blindly through the bushes, the bee hive still on his head. The bees thankfully followed.

Arthur came out from under his cape which he had thrown over his head like a fire blanket when the buzzing-noise disappeared, 'Whew, that was close.'

Bond-James took a step in the direction Swabtop went running, 'Aren't we going to assist the poor fellow?'

Arthur nodded in agreement, 'It would be awful unlucky to lose two Fellowship members in one day. We haven't even replaced Jack yet!'

Merlin muttered, 'Any bald, unbathed hobo would work fine. Probably would have better manners, too.'

Bond-James ducked down to peer through the foliage, 'Wait, Swabtop's coming back! Quickly, Gandalf! Take my battery operated portable smoke gun and point it at his head! When Swabtop comes within six feet, press the yellow button.' The assassin then started to climb one of the trees.

I held the contraption Bond-James had thrown me, it was sputtering, 'Right... wait, six feet my size? Or yours?'

Arthur squealed as Swabtop ran, hive covered head and bees in tow, closer, 'Six feet equals 1.8288 meters! Fire!'

I skillfully pressed the yellow button as skillfully as I could, though probably not as skillfully as Bond-James might have done. The smoke flew out the barrel of the gun, as thick and white as carbonated sour cream. Swabtop disappeared as he entered the smoke, the bees following suit. I continued to spray and soon the buzzing of the bees became drowsy. Swabtop had kept his momentum, traveling in his little smoke cloud, appearing to be a freakish hive-headed phantom with epilepsy. When he came under the tree that Bond-James had climbed into, the skilled assassin jumped down into the smoke, pulled off the hive, and threw it far off into the bushes. The bees, now dimwits due to my excellent smoke spraying skills, followed the hive like a bunch of drunk bachelors and bothered us no further.

With a wave of my finger, the smoke blew away to reveal Swabtop sitting in a daze on the ground. His face was red as a tomato and was beginning to swell like a Peep in a microwave. (Microwaves are brilliant devices Bond-James introduced me to. They pop things like popcorn, peanut popcorn, cheese popcorn, and seasoned popcorn. I now carry one around in my hat at all times.) Small chunks of honey comb were still stuck to Swabtop's face and slowly slid down his cheeks.

The thief managed to gasp through large lips, 'Mwaaghhh...'

Using a leaf, I scooped some of the wet elephant poop from my foot, spat on it twice, muttered some words, and offered it to him, 'Poop?'

Merlin sniffed in disgust, 'You call _me_ pathetic? At least I don't have to resort to using elephant droppings!'

Swabtop took the leaf in a daze and I explained stiffly, 'It's actually quite soothing for burns and bee stings with the correct addition of saliva. A _true_ wizard would have instinctually known that.'

The tight-wearer looked down at the leaf, still dazed, 'Bees... I hate bees... I hate fire... I hate fire and bees...'

Arthur sat down by Swabtop and patted him lightly on the shoulder, 'At least it didn't ruin your tights.'

Meanwhile a voice said above us, 'Oh bother.'

Swabtop screamed and a teddy bear fell in his lap.

The teddy bear said, 'Oh, hello there. Have you seen my honey?'

From there we had a bit of a problem accepting that this teddy bear was indeed a sentient being. Bond-James kept saying that the bear was a 2-Dimensional cartoon and therefore couldn't be real whatsoever. Swabtop was in shock that a harmless teddy bear was the cause of his sufferings. Merlin was convinced it was some kind of possessed voodoo magic that had lasted so long the 'bite' had worn out. As a wizard, I just took it all in stride. I inquired as to our location, then asked if the bear knew the way to Mordor.

The bear frowned then sat down, 'Think, think, think.' Before he could provide an answer, a streak a bright orange attacked Swabtop's head. Swabtop went tumbling onto his back with a squeal and his poop leaf went soaring through the air, narrowly missing Bond-James would had to dive out of the way.

A plush tiger stood on Swabtop's stomach and cried, 'Ah ha! I have caught you, you Heffalump!'

Swabtop, who could hardly see through his swollen eyelids, probably thought a demon had landed on his chest. He cried, 'I'm not a Hellofalump! Don't eat me! I have poop on my head!'

Winnie-ther-Pooh introduced him, 'This is Tigger, he's been trying to catch a Heffalump for weeks. But I don't think he's very good.'

Tigger, after examining Swabtop's red, round face, hopped off his chest to declare, 'Drats, not a real Heffalump. He had Heffalump poop smeared on his head which confused-ed me. And it's T-I-double-guh-err, that spells Tigger.'

Merlin gasped, 'That's the poop from Gandalf's foot!'

Tigger bounded over to me and picked my foot up, 'The mark of the Heffalump! You must have been close on their tracks. I've never seen Heffalump poop so fresh.'

Arthur tried tentatively, 'Mr. Tigger, just what is a Heffalump?'

Tigger explained, 'They are giant monsters of the forest and steal all the honey they can find! They have poka dots the size of your head and can crush all your bones with one step!'

Arthur gulped, 'G-g-g-gosh...'

The Heffalumps seemed to be quite a terror to the local citizens so I decided to make a proposition that would be beneficial to both parties. I asked, 'If we help you capture the Heffalumps will you assist us in getting to Mordor?'

Tigger bounced on his tail happily, 'Recruits for the Rid-A-Heffalump cause! Whoow-Hwooo!'

That was how we originally teamed up with the citizens of the Hundred Acre Wood. I was certain the capture of the Heffalumps would be a simple. After all, they were still a species that pooped in the middle of the road. They couldn't be that hard to defeat.

As Winnie-ther-Pooh went to speak with a character named Owl, who was reputed to know all there was to know, the Funky Fellowship and several of our new plush allies thought of a way to capture a Heffalump.

Without Jack to create a strange plan using strange items, we were all at a loss at what to do at first. Arthur tried to think of a plan himself, using one of Jack's old plans as a reference, 'Somehow we have to use clothes hangers and corn husks... _What can you possibly do with clothes hangers and corn husks?!_'

After much debating and researching, a plan was formed in roughly five hours.

I scooped the rest of the poop off my foot while Tigger borrowed some honey from Winnie-ther-Pooh. Bond-James, who just happened to be carrying plastic gloves and a gas mask, mixed the poop and honey in a turtle shell until it had the consistency of damp pudding. Merlin scowled at us as we applied the mix to his head and muttered furiously under his breath.

He had protested at first. I remember, while making the plan, I had called, 'Merlin! Bring your head over here.'

The fake wizard was surprised, 'What for?'

King Arthur asked, 'Weren't you listening to the plan? We need to put the poop on it.'

Merlin did a double take, 'Say what!? Why me?'

Galadriel croaked and Swabtop translated, ' "Because your head's about as smooth and hairless as Jack's. Plus we need a clean, round surface to apply the poop – it says so in the directions." '

Merlin protested, 'Oh come on, Swabtop! You don't expect me to believe the toad said all that in one croak.'

If I didn't know better, I would have thought Galadriel's eyes had burst into flames. She quivered with the insult of being called a toad, and ribbited so loudly that Merlin was thrown back into a tree and knocked unconscious.

I nodded, 'Very nice, Galadriel.' Then Bond-James tied Merlin to the tree so he couldn't get away, and we started piling the glop to the middle of Merlin's head. When he woke up he wasn't very happy.

Once we got all of the gloopey mixture on Merlin's head with my handy-dandy spatula, we all headed out to a nearby field where the Heffalumps reportedly lived. Because Heffalumps were attracted to honey and their own kind they would be lured in by Merlin's head as he walked into the field. A Heffalump would come to Merlin and then our troops, hidden in the trees, would attack. Once the Heffalump was captured, we could use it as leverage to force the other Heffalumps to leave the Hundred Acre Wood for good.

As King Arthur, swollen Swabtop, Galadriel, Bond-James and I hid in the brush with Tigger, Rabbit, and an assortment of other critters, Merlin went out into the field.

I softly whispered to Bond-James, 'For a first time member of the Fellowship, you're taking all this rather well.'

Bond-James nodded, 'Yes, it's a gift I have.'

Just on the edge of the field, Merlin looked back at us, 'This is the stupidest plan ever!' Then he headed out farther into the field calling, 'Um... I'm a little Hellofalump, short and spout... This is my poop and this is my – OUCH!'

Merlin disappeared as he plummeted into the ground. Tigger frowned, 'Hmmm, looks like we forgot to tell him about Gopher's hole.'

We ran over to the hole where we found Merlin being assaulted by a gopher with a mean arm. Merlin shouted, 'Ouch! Stop it! GANDALF YOU DID THIS ON PURPOSE!'

Gopher yelled, 'Take that, you whipper-snapper!'

Tigger poked his head into the hole, 'Gopher, it's me! T-I-double-guh-err!' The stuffed gopher stopped hitting Merlin over the head long enough for Tigger to explain that Merlin was part of their plan to capture a Heffalump. The gopher looked down on the knocked-senseless Merlin and whistled through is big teeth, 'Why didn't you say so, sonny?'

I called, 'Merlin, hurry and get up! If the Heffalumps see us the entire plan will be ruined.'

Merlin shook his head, 'I broke the ladder when I fell through.'

Gopher bristled, 'What? Clumsy ruffian!' He smacked Merlin once more for good measure, then a voice said behind me, 'Here, I'll get him out.'

One of the stuffed animals reached down with his trunk and lifted Merlin out of the hole. Merlin sighed with relief and the animal blinked in surprise, 'Wha-what are you?'

Merlin, still in the trunk, whipped some of the poop mixture that had dripped onto his face and said, 'Wizard, can't you tell?'

I pulled at my beard, 'Well, maybe not a _wizard_... but didn't Tigger tell you the plan? We're capturing a Heffalump. Merlin's the bait.'

The stuffed animal shouted, 'What?! And here I thought another Heffalump was in trouble! You deceived me!'

Bond-James blinked, 'You're a Hellofalump?'

The elephant like plushie, taller than even myself, reared up and stamped his feet. Tigger squealed, Arthur threw himself into Gopher's hole, and everyone scattered. Swabtop rolled out of the way of the stamping feet and called, 'No one said a Hellofalump was actually an elephant!'

I dodged Merlin, who the Heffalump was twirling around like a mace, and said, 'I suppose it's time for me to save... OH MY BEARDY!' I backed up too far and likewise fell into Gopher's hole. The sudden drop left me so stunned that by the time I managed to climb out of the hole, the Heffalump was far in the distance and Merlin was prisoner in his trunk shouting, 'Gandalf you did this on purpose! I know it! When I get my hands on you - GANDAAAAAALF!'

Don't laugh, Elf-Boy! We wizards don't have eyes in the back of our heads - we have too many brains to be able to hold another set of eyes, thank you very much.

And so the rescue of Merlin the Cheapskate Wizard begins. I'll finish writing later, King Arthur needs me to round up some more poop.

Gandalf the Bruised-Backside Poop-Finding Grey

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Jack died and Merlin's been captured! The Fellowship is falling apart! It's like watching "The Lord of the Rings" all over again! sniff

... Well, what are you looking at me like that for? ... Oh right! The Contest!

BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA hhahahahahahahah hehehehehe snort-snort  
hahAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahaha HAhehaHEhaheHAhehaHE hehehehehe heh-heh-heh-heh  
passes out

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! MWA MWA MWA!  
passes out again

Thought I'd make you wait in suspense until my next upload.  
Meanwhile, you can brush up on your Lost Letter history, reviewers!  
Or you can review and tell me how evil I am! In fact, in expectation of this sort of response I have come up with a list of synonyms for the word "evil." They are as follows:

base, atrocious, foul, heinous, loathsome, nefarious, maliferous, obscene,  
repugnant, olid, sinful, qued, vile, repulsive, and villainous  
(Note: These are my personal favorites only. And "olid" means evil smelling.)

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	22. 21st Letter

**The Lost Letters of Gandalf**

(Majority rules, Merlin must be saved! ...Unfortunately...)

Dear Elf-Princling,

The plans for the rescue of Merlin are going smoothly. King Arthur has taken over the entire operation and is actually excited. As he said himself, 'For the first time, my enemies are cute stuffed animals!'

Originally I was going to refuse to help. Where ever we went Merlin always gave wizards a bad name, and he _still_ gives me a hard time about killing off the Lady of the Lake and ruining Excaliber. When I told this to the rest of the Fellowship, Galadriel agreed with me. She had not yet forgotten the "toad" insult.

Bond-James argued, 'If we don't have Merlin, who will make you look good, Gandalf?'

That got me. It was true Merlin's stupidity made my intelligence shine all the more brightly. But he was so annoying! The choice was very difficult. It probably would have made your brain explode, Legolas. Fortunately I was able to wade through the different possibilities and decided to help just so that Merlin, if he escaped, wouldn't spread his stupidity to the citizens of the Hundred Acre Wood.

Seeing as all their heads are filled with fluff because their stuffed animals, they need all the protection against stupidity as possible.

I agreed to assist, but demanded, 'Bond-James, you side with Merlin? Why? I thought you had more brains than that!'

Bond-James shrugged, 'I get all my nail filers from him.'

Swabtop nodded, 'Makes sense to me.'

Arthur decided that we could follow the trail of Merlin's poop mixture. The King had concluded that Merlin's body temperature would slowly soften and liquify the honey, creating a drip trail of honey/poop that we could follow. (Bond-James had previous been pushing for an aerial search team, but when he discovered the only flyable thing in the Hundred Acre Wood was a kite, he was quite put out.)

As I said in my previous letter, Winnie-ther-Pooh was a instrumental help. He had observed, after being trampled, that the Heffalump's nose was so sensitive it would probably smell us approaching to save Merlin. We would then need to make more poop mixture and cover ourselves with it. Winnie-ther-Pooh was so committed to the idea, that he lent us all the honey we would ever need.

Swabtop was seriously against this plan, because he was positive the poop would ruin his tights. But he was relieved to find out that he could probably just get away with wearing his underwear for this mission since the poop would be covering everything else.

I commented, 'Only as long as we don't have to see your hairy man legs, again, Swabtop.'

Then Tigger came up with our war song. Since stuffed animals are intimidated easily, he decided a theme song would give us an edge. Unfortunately, the song didn't exactly address war. In fact, it wasn't very intimidating at all and used terrible grammar. The first two lines were:

_The most wonderful thing about Tiggers,  
is Tiggers are wonderful things._

Tigger also believes the Heffalumps are holding Merlin at the Heffalump Palace. (In the highest room in the tallest tower. Tigger, bounding with excitement, suggested climbing Merlin's hair. I pointed out that Merlin had none and Tigger was quite less bouncy after that.) So taking the bouncy tiger's ideas to heart, Arthur has also formulated a siege operation involving acorn catapults and honey arrows – which are actually sticks with honey on one end so they'll 'glue' to the enemy.

Come on, Legolas. This is the Hundred Acre Wood we're talking about, you didn't expect us to be violent, did you? (Stupid blood-thirsty elf.)

By my next letter Merlin will either be with us, or we will have to (thankfully) leave him behind.

Gandalf the Not-Too-Concerned Grey

P.S. These events show just how terrible of a wizard Merlin is! Think of it, Elf-Boy... being captured by a stuffed elephant. Even Gimli could have gotten out of _that_!

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Merlin is lame. Arthur finally faces an enemy he's not scared of. Swabtop realizes that poop is great for his complextion! Find out what happens next in the next The Lost Letters of Gandalf: Lumpy Genealogists!

The Funky Fellowship Contest information is on my profile page! Go check it out!  
...I think I jumped the gun a little. No one knows my Letters are back up again... lol  
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